Developer: Midway

Publisher: Midway

Release Date: Nov. 16, 2008

Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

0:00 I was never a big Mortal Kombat fan ... I was more a Street Fighter man growing up. I also think the idea behind this game is ludicrous ... so ludicrous that I just HAVE to try it out.

0:01 A minute gone for the inevitable downloadable update. This also gives me time to get my crappy Hori fighting stick out of the closet.

0:02 No over-the-top intro video? Just a title screen with some vague lightning and/or fire in the background? Midway ... you disappoint me.

0:03 At least the menu screen has Batman and Scorpion, standing dramatically in their 3-D glory on some rooftops. The background noise barely counts as music ... "atonal rhythmic drumming" might be a better description.

0:04 My fighting stick only has six buttons, meaning at least two of the eight control buttons are going to have to be jettisoned. I decide to forgo the "3D movement" and "grab" functions. I hate that I have to waste one button on "block." Real men just hold "back" on the joystick!

0:05 The "Kombat CPU" difficulty goes from Very Easy to Very Hard, with Easy, Medium and Hard in between. I leave it at Medium. I know I should be playing another human, but there's no one around (as usual) and I'm embarrassed to show my awful MK skills online.

0:06 I choose Story Mode, because the ridiculous story they'll have to come up with to bring these two very different universes together is really the whole reason to pay attention to this game. "Choose your side," says the stereotypical deep Mortal Kombat voice. The "DC Universe" side is much more interesting, to me.

0:07 "Metropolis, a shining example of human achievement," says Super-Narrator. "This is where we made our final stand against Darkseid and his army of Fire Demons ... but what seemed like victory was only the beginning." Superman drops Darkseid hundreds of feet to the pavement below, causing all sorts of property damage. "Took you long enough," says a dismissive Lex Luthor, who's conveniently standing right there. Some expository dialogue lays out the backstory: Luthor allied with Darkseid to protect Earth in case the superheroes failed. Darkseid escapes through a boom tube, but Superman's heat vision makes it go all screwy, causing Darkseid a lot of pain. Then he's gone and Superman takes Luthor to a jail on the moon. I couldn't make this stuff up.

0:09 Meanwhile, down the street, a villain named Deathstroke (aka Slade) beheads a guy because he hadn't paid back his debt. "You should have paid up sooner... and still had a head." Man, this comic book dialogue reads better on the page then it sounds delivered by bored voice actors. Anyway, the Flash rushes in and knocks Deathstroke down before he can cause more trouble. "Don't get up, Deathstroke. You're going to jail!" Wow, that's the best writing you could come up with?

0:11 A smooth transition into the actual fighting. Since I have no idea how to play as the Flash, I use my default Mortal Kombat strategy of Endless Uppercuts (TM) to take out the guy. I know this is the first bout and all, but I'm still amazed this works. This is Medium difficulty? I'd hate to see Very Easy. Also, Flash doesn't seem especially speedy. What's the deal?

0:12 Flash calls Wonder Woman to report on Deathstroke, then gets this yellow aura glowing out of his eyes briefly. He rushes off the Gotham, where Catwoman has some a jewel or something. "I can never figure you out. One second you're a hero, the next you're a criminal." Way to explain the whole point of Catwoman in a single line, Flash.

0:14 During the Catwoman fight, an uppercut sends her flying through a stone wall and over the side of the patio. In midair, I hit the buttons as indicated on-screen to perform some mid-air attacks, and I land on top of her, doing "Total damage: 30%." Kind of cool to watch, but not that interesting to actually play...

0:16 Catwoman at least did some damage, including a nice four-hit grab combo, but my Endless Uppercuts still win handily. Two down...

0:17 With no warning or explanation, Mortal Kombat's Kano appears and takes Catwoman's jewel thing. "This oughta fetch a tidy sum." Flash gets the energy thing, distracting Kano so Catwoman can take the jewel and run off through a fire portal that just appears for no good reason. The Flash dodges Kano's eye lasers easily, and then they're fighting too.

0:19 The Endless Uppercuts strategy shows its first signs of weakness as Kano takes a round on me. I still win in the end, though. At one point I did some sort of super-speed dashing uppercut. I wish I knew how. Oh well.

0:20 The yellow eye energy comes back as Flash picks up Kano by the neck and threatens to kill him. Batman comes by and says that's a big no-no for superheroes. "The Flash I know doesn't kill," says the world's greatest detective. "He does now!" says the red-suited speedster.

0:22 OK, the uppercut strategy is finally dead. Batman tears me a new one with some repetitive three-hit combos and thrown, electric batarangs. Guess I'm going to have to figure out how to play for real, huh?

0:26 I go to the moves list and try the first super move I find, a "Teleport Flurry" that has me running backwards out one side of the screen and appearing on the other to do a series of six quick punches to the back. Did I run around the world in that time? Because that'd be cool. Anyway, in the second and third rounds Batman learns how to block, leaving me SOL.

0:28 This time I win in two quick rounds by using the Teleport Flurry almost exclusively. Is the game feeling sorry for me and making things easier?

0:29 Batman tasers me as I walk up to taunt him in a cut scene. Cut to the Batcave now, for "Chapter 2: Batman." Aw, just when I was getting to like that one speedy super-move.

0:31 Flash gets consumed by yellow light and turns into Scorpion, because sure, why the hell not? He thinks Batman is Sub-Zero "hiding behind an illusion." Whatever, weirdo.

0:32 A new chapter means new life for my uppercut strategy. Batman just walks right into them as I kneel there in wait. Sigh.

0:33 Batman reports to Wonder Woman about the strange turn of events. His Batcomputer shows another Scorpion-like energy disturbance in the heart of Gotham. As he rides off in the Batmobile, a Joker doll falls on the windshield. He sends it off with a quick stop just as it explodes. "No no no no, you were supposed to DIE when the clown exploded," says the Joker. This is the first well-delivered line I've heard all day.

0:35 Joker's attacks include an electric joy buzzer and an extendo-boxing glove. Mine include ... uppercuts! I win, but I feel bad about it. He should at least get points for creativity...

0:36 Liu Kang shows up in a pool of yellow light for no apparent reason. "This night just keeps getting better and better," Batman says in what I assume is supposed to be a sarcastic tone. Kang gets the yellow eyes as well, and sees Batman as Shang Tsung. Boy, the justifications for these fights are getting weaker and weaker.

0:39 I give up on the uppercut strategy quickly as Liu Kang unleashes a flurry of rapid attacks. I switch to a general fighting-game strategy of basic punches and kicks, but I get romped pretty quickly. I keep forgetting to use the block button. I HATE the block button!

0:43 I find a new secret weapon in the rematch ... the grab and hurl button! It works perfectly all the way through the first round and halfway through Round 2, until Kang consistently starts breaking my grabs. This leaves me with a crappy batarang and general punches and kicks in Round 3, which I lose handily.

0:47 I try to be more cautious and worried about my position this time, but Liu Kang easily blocks them all and counters before I remember to use the block button. I love how the game has gone from insanely easy to ridiculously rough in the blink of an eye.

0:50 I eke out a single-round win with my new favorite move, a low-lunging leg sweep that grabs the enemy between my shins and whaps them on the ground, along with uppercutting and jump-kicking. But Kang still takes the match.

0:53 I add a couple of moves to my arsenal this time ... a nice, quick, lunging jump-kick and a "sneaky batarang" that only hits at a particular range. Combines with my shin-throw, I win int two straight rounds. I just noticed there's no space for me to do a Fatality or anything. Isn't that the whole point of Mortal Kombat?

0:55 Batman calls Green Lantern for help transporting Kang to the orbital station. Bats thinks this is the first wave a of a new Apokolips invasion. Just as he ponders this, a big electrical storm hits the space station and Raiden shows up. "You will release Liu Kang at once," says the master of lightning. Luckily, Bats is protected by insulated armor. Fight!

0:58 Raiden wins, thanks to some juggle-tastic combos. One hit turns into five without any ability I can see to interrupt them. At least it's fun to watch.

1:00 Raiden rocks me with the juggling again. I could probably do similar combos, if I had any idea how to play this freaking series...

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? The cheesy, pulp comic book storytelling certainly isn't drawing me in. As for the gameplay, I'm still a Street Fighter guy at heart, and I don't plan to change.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.



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