Developer: EA Sports Freestyle

Publisher: EA

Release Date: Feb. 10, 2009

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: E

0:00 The fact that a game as unlikely and self-contradictory as NASCAR Kart Racing even exists is reason enough to give it an hour-long test drive, as far as I'm concerned.

0:01 A bit of loading, then no fuss, no muss; we're already at the title screen. There are two helmeted racers sticking out of what look like roofless, miniature versions of NASCAR cars. Their heads stick out above the top of the windshield. The most generic rock music I've ever heard plays in the background. Oh man, this is going to be exquisitely painful.

0:02 "Welcome! I'm your guide, Flagman Fred," says a crazed-looking man who speaks in an odd pidgin. "There are three things you need to know before getting started!" Is one of them "abandon all hope?" Apparently not. They are: 1) Stick close to your teammates to earn boost; 2) Run in to "Pit Lollipops" (no, I don't know what that means) for random power-ups; and 3) Powerslide. "You're all set! Start your engine and have fun!" I'll do at least one of those!

0:04 Twelve manga-fied versions NASCAR drivers are selectable, with 12 more to unlock. Each has different rankings in Slide, Zone, Grind (what is this, Tony Hawk?) and Boost. I go with Kyle Busch because half of his name is totally awesome. I also get to pick a teammate, whose stats will be added to mine. Dale Ernhardt, Jr. is Kyle's perfect complement. Hooray for balance!

0:06 Four courses out of 12 are selectable in the Quick Race: Talladega, Cactus Pass, Beltway Battle and Junkyard. Boy, after Talladega they really started ignoring that NASCAR license quickly, huh?

0:08 Tapping the 2 button before the start builds up my boost meter ... an interesting twist. And we're off. I try tapping left on the d-pad to turn, but all that does is give me a rear-view camera. Then I remember it's a Wii game and tilt the Remote to turn. The controls are surprisingly forgiving, so far.

0:10 I end up slingshotting back and forth with my teammates as we both boost past each other, always staying close enough to gain more boost, of course. It's a pretty unique dynamic for a kart racer, and makes things mildly interesting at least.

0:11 My teammate and I alternate between third and fourth place, and we're about to pass into first/second when my kart spins out for no discernible reason. After that the other racers catch up quickly, and pummeling me with items and spinning me out many times. I get an infinite boost item but I still finish sixth. Overall the racing isn't as awful as it could be, but not really that compelling, either.

0:12 Wow ... apparently I just got hit with a weapon that makes a large "Tony Stewart's Office Depot" logo bounce across in my screen, like the world's most annoying screen saver. You just lost a LOT of goodwill, game.

0:13 An easy first-place finish this time. Once my teammate and I got the lead, we just kept slingshotting back and forth without any threats from behind. I haven't had to use the powerslide yet, either.

0:14 Off to the Championship for something a bit more structured. The whole mode is "Sponsored by Sprint." Ah, NASCAR, is there anything you WON'T put an ad on?

0:15 The Euro Series is the only available tournament, and is headlined by two of the haughtiest, Eurotrashiest characters I've ever seen. They're Monica and Maurice, and Flagman Fred explains how they're Frenchmen that want to dominate in every time zone. Wow, did they just steal this wholesale from "Talladega Nights"?

0:17 "Maurice, head up! We have visitors!" Monica says in some incredibly annoying pidgin. "Sacrebleu!" says Mr. French Stereotype. "You are right, they do look like chimps in party hats," Monica responds. Wait, that's what sacrebleu means?

0:19 Wow, this bouncing logo power-up is even more annoying the second time. I just want to punch everyone associated with NASCAR.

0:21 Whenever I hit someone with an item like a homing rocket or an oil slick, I make a sound that sounds like a 200-pound baboon watching a particularly funny clown.

0:23 The Beltway Battle course was slightly more exciting than Talladega, if only because there are RIGHT turns in addition to the left turns. I still never had to use powerslides or let go of the accelerator. The rival team was close throughout this time -- I could never quite shake them. The close pursuit felt a bit artificial, to tell you the truth. I do like how hitting one part of the pairing screws up both of them, because of the boost system.

0:24 The "You Won!" screen is sponsored by "Coca-Cola Zero: Real Coke Taste, Zero Calories." What happened to you, EA ... you used to be cool.

0:30 The mini-map which is supposed to show where you are on the course is nearly useless. It's just a huge clump of large heads overlapping each other. Who thought that was a good idea? That said, I like how the game highlights the position of your teammate. Makes it easy to find them and get close to build up the boost meter.

0:31 Now that I'm done with three tracks, I'm officially ready to declare the track design in this game uninspired. Cactus Flats had long, straight sections with a few jumps mixed in with long, sweeping turns with a bit of rough on the inside. It's just all too simplistic and generally unmemorable. The hardest part so far has been slowing down occasionally to let my teammate get "in the zone" so I can gain some more boost.

0:32 Quote of the moment: "Sacre ... bleu?" This is the most original thing Maurice has said, believe it or not.

0:35 This may be a dumb question, but what is the point of having boost zones on the course if they take up the entire width of the track, making them impossible to miss? If you want everyone to go faster, just make the game faster!

0:37 OK, the Junkyard track was a little more interesting, with protruding walls at the beginning that require some tight slaloming and some long turns that require powersliding. I don't like the way you come to a complete stop if you graze a wall, though. This is NASCAR ... shouldn't you flip over and kill some people?

0:38 I just noticed something odd ... you don't earn any points in this "Championship Series." Winning just moves you on to the next course. Everyone else's position doesn't seem to matter ... they move on, too. Makes the whole thing seem disconnected and pointless...

0:40 God, I can't wait to be done with Monica and Maurice. "No one has ever bested us in a contest of pure speed." You're conceited! We get it!

0:41 My teammate just threw an oil slick directly in front of me. That's upsetting, because the AI has been pretty good up till now.

0:43 Gee, another near-effortless first-place finish. I know this game is designed for the kiddies, but I don't remember the original Super Mario Kart being quite this easy when I was but a wee lad.

0:44 Oh goody, I unlocked a Maurice and Monica trophy, so I can enjoy their ugly visages whenever I want.

0:45 Quote of the moment, from Monica: "Ack! My image!" I bet NASCAR is saying the same thing right about now.

0:46 Next up is the Industrial Series. I'm gonna table that one and check out the "Special Events" area. The first and only one available is "Best Lap." As opposed to the best three laps as we've been doing so far. Wow ... how "special."

0:48 I didn't think this game could get any duller, but racing around all alone on an oval track without even a teammate to provide boost support has managed to prove me wrong. I beat the "time to beat" on the first lap and improved on that in the subsequent two laps. "Special event," my ass.

0:50 Huh ... an on-screen message says I unlocked "best lap on rookie difficulty." Rookie difficulty, eh? I go into "Profile Info." and find that, indeed, I am on the lowest difficulty. There's also Veteran and Legend. I crank up the difficulty to Legend as I seethe about the game's inability to ask me what difficulty I wanted at the outset.

0:51 On to the Industrial Series and its first event, the "Distance Challenge at Talladega." I have no idea what that means, but I guess we shall see.

0:54 Oh boy, it's another solo race, this one on a track lined with boost-providing gas cans in a straight path around the oval. I'm trying to go as far as I can in one minute and 30 seconds. I end up just 800 feet shy of the mark set by my rival. I can do this!


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0:57 ARGH! This time I finished less than 100 feet from the target. That's Veteran difficulty for you, I guess. I'm a bit annoyed by these gas cans, which are so large they block my view of the rest of the course.

0:59 I really buckle down and focus this time, collecting practically every gas can in a perfect line and constantly using my boost. I still finish just 85 feet short of the target distance. Boy, this game went from too easy to too hard in a hurry.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? While it's not as horrible as I expected, I'm not a big enough NASCAR fan to put up with the pedestrian track design and general dull feeling, especially when I could be playing a Mario Kart game.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.



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