Ubisoft announces Prince of Persia: Big Red Button Edition

Early promotional material for the updated Prince of Persia edition.

Discouraged by somewhat tepid critical and sales response to its recent, heavily promoted Prince of Persia remake, Ubisoft today announced a new version of the game that will include a revolutionary control scheme involving a single large, red button.

"The BRB edition of Prince of Persia will still contain the same breathtaking environments and fluid animation that made the game one of the season's most stunning releases," said Ubisoft spokesman Sam Delmonico at a press event announcing the revamp. "The only difference is, now players can enjoy that imagery without getting tripped up by complicated gameplay sections that sometimes required pushing upwards of two or three buttons over a five-second period!"

Indeed, a live demo of the game showed to assembled press saw Delmonico simply mashing the large red button to make the game's titular Prince effortlessly perform an astounding series of wall runs, flips, swings, grapples and double jumps. The on-screen performance seemed largely unrelated to the speed or timing of the button presses, even continuing uninterrupted for 10 seconds while Delmonico took a break to blow his nose.

Initial press response to the new version was mixed. Kotaku's Brian Crecente seemed unsurprised: "We've been reporting on rumors of something like this for weeks now." Game Informer's Andy McNamara played it coy, saying we'd "have to wait for the cover story" to find out his verdict. "I don't know ... it all reminds me a bit of Shadow of the Colossus..." added MTV Multiplayer's Stephen Totilo, somewhat oddly.

The new version will be available as a separate retail product and as a $10 downloadable patch available through Xbox Live or the PlayStation Network. Players can use the big red buttons on the PlayStation 3's Buzz!: Quiz TV controller, the Xbox 360's Scene It? controller, or a universal BRB controller MadCatz will be releasing in time for the BRB edition's late-January release.

Nintendo ups revenue forecast to "infinity billion dollars"

In a note to investors today, Nintendo announced it was increasing its estimate for revenue from the current holiday sales quarter to a staggering "infinity billion dollars." The announcement comes on the back of further record-breaking sales numbers for the Nintendo Wii and DS in November and represents an infinite-percent increase from the previous forecast for the quarter.

Nintendo can pretty much print its own money in unlimited supply.

"Our initial estimate for this quarter was based on an overly conservative view of our production capacity and of the very nature of mathematical systems," Nintendo President Satoru Iwata said in the note. "With those roadblocks now removed from our production plants/accountants, we're confident that the only limits on our profits are the limits of our own imaginations."

Analysts were conflicted about Nintendo's supremely confident outlook. "At first glance, a revenue expectation of infinity billion dollars seems patently ridiculous," said Wedbush Morgan Securities' Michael Pachter. "I mean, most of the rules of basic mathematics break down at that level of earnings. On the other hand ... well, did you see the November sales numbers? If things keep up at this rate, the infinity billion number might turn out to be a little low!"

Sony responded to Nintendo's note with a forward-looking projection that acknowledged its videogame unit's current struggles while confidently predicting great success just over the horizon. "Nintendo's temporary advantage will fade as the PlayStation 3's advanced Cell processor and Blu-ray drive establishes its dominance well into the next decade," the company wrote in a press release. "By 2017 we fully expect the PS3 business to be earning infinity billion plus one dollars in revenue every quarter."

Nintendo offers game-based solution to videogame addiction

Heartened by the success of games like Ubisoft's My Stop Smoking Coach and virtual reality simulations used to treat drug abuse, Nintendo announced today that it's developing a game-based solution to another growing disease: videogame addiction.

Mario will kick your ass if you play longer than you specify.

Nintendo's My Anti-Game Trainer isn't a piece of software but a dedicated, wristwatch-sized hardware unit that connects wirelessly to your Nintendo Wii and/or DS, automatically detecting when the systems are being played in your vicinity. When the unit detects gameplay that lasts for more than the preset limit, it will deploy one of a variety of negative reinforcements, including extremely loud noises, debilitating electric shocks and disturbing images projected onto its small color LCD screen. The unit will also utilize positive reinforcement in the form of a tiny on-screen avatar that levels up and fights fantastic monsters as you spend more time away from other games.

"It's like a game to see how long you can go without playing games," explained Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime. "While we obviously feel that gaming is a great pastime when used in moderation, we fully acknowledge that some players take things too far, and the MAG Trainer is designed to help out those troubled gamers."

While many industry watchers fail to see the appeal of a gaming product that actively discourages playing games, some analysts think the unit may be a PR coup for Nintendo. "By getting out front on this issue, Nintendo will have the moral high ground when the issue of game addiction inevitably reaches the halls of power in this country," said GamePolitics Editor Dennis McCauley. "What's more, by urging Sony and Microsoft to integrate the MAG Trainer with their systems, they could give those competitors the unenviable choice of either looking obstinate if they do nothing or behind the times if they jump on board."

During a Q&A session, Fils-Aime also announced plans for a second version of the system, a Nintendo DS with a glued-in copy of Bratz Ponyz that "should sap any gamer's will to play games ever again."

Sony reaches out to indigents with "Home for the Homeless" charity program

Sony's new outreach to the homeless, on a street corner near you.

In an effort to help the image of its floundering PlayStation 3 and its HOME virtual world service, Sony today announced the "Home for the Homeless" charity program, designed to "provide access to a rich virtual play and marketing space for the most disadvantaged among us."

In association with the Coalition for the Homeless, Sony will be working to place PlayStation 3 systems, high-speed internet connections and HDTVs in homeless shelters, where the resident transients can "explore a real-time virtual community as they interact, communicate, join online games, shop, share private content, and even build and show off their own personal spaces to others in real time."

"The least advantaged among us don't just need food and shelter, they need a virtual space to shop, socialize, and check out the latest trailers for hot movies like 'Twilight,' starring Kristen Stewart," said Sony spokesperson Cindy Denver. "It's just our way of showing that, even if you don't have a home, you can feel at home in PlayStation Home."

In addition, Sony also announced plans to deploy a "Home for the Homeless" Street Team to walk around blighted urban areas with generator-powered PS3 units and wireless connections, letting street people check in on their avatars from the comfort of under the overpass. The Street Team units will also be outfitted with hundreds of PlayStation Network gift cards, which the homeless can use to "buy the hottest games, themes, furnishings and fashions," said Denver. "There's no reason these people's virtual Homes shouldn't be just as cozy as the real homes they're no doubt dreaming of this holiday season," she continued.

Sony would not respond to allegations that the entire program was an effort to turn unsold inventory into a charitable tax write-off before the end of the calendar year. "Sony does not comment on rumors or speculation," said a spokesman.

Editor's note: These stories are 100 percent satire. Yes, Kyle Orland made it all up.