Developer: Polygon Magic

Publisher: Tecmo (duh!)

Release Date: Nov. 17, 2008

System: Nintendo DS

ESRB Rating: E

Official Web site

0:00 I never played the original Tecmo Bowl, but I know it has a borderline obsessive fan base. I generally like old-school sports games more than modern, hyper-real simulations, so this one should be right in my wheelhouse.

0:01 The title screen logo appears with what sounds more like fighting game music than football game music. It's all very tinny and old-school. "Tecmo Bowl: Kickoff," says an even tinnier announcer when I press A. Also, why's the game called Kickoff? The series kicked off decades ago. I don't think that word means what they think it means...

0:02 I get to choose from a bunch of fake teams, including the Carolina Carnage, the Chicago Chinooks and ... the Los Angeles Supercocks? Really? Supercocks? I go with the Houston Heatwaves, because they're the only team that has a halfway decent name.

0:04 In the team editor I can edit my team's name and colors. So I can rename them to the Houston Texans, but they can't just call them the Texans out of the box? Thanks a lot, EA.

0:08 So apparently I can edit stats like max speed, hit power, pass accuracy, rush avoidance ability, etc. for all my players. That's not that surprising. What is surprising is, they all start off intentionally gimped, with plenty of stat points to distribute as I see fit. Good thing I looked at this player editor screen, or all my players would be underpowered scrubs!

0:09 OK, I could spend the next hour tweaking points for all bajillion players by hand, but instead I'm just gonna head into a quick game against the Kansas City Clashers.

0:11 The coin gets tossed up from the bottom screen to the top. I elect to return and "O. Azana" takes the kick. Man ... he runs pretty slowly. I get tackled by what looks like my own teammate after a slow nine-yard return.

0:13 I can choose from four running plays and four passing plays. That's it? "Red 32. Red 32. Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut." Oh, am I supposed to do something? I hit A and the QB pitches it to my runner, who also seems quite slow. The opposing team's uniforms are practically the exact same color as ours. That's going to be problematic...

0:14 I get some excellent blocking on a 13-yard run up the middle for a first down. "First Down!" says the tinny voice in the speakers.

0:15 My first pass play is to a guy wide open, just standing there waiting for the ball. I don't really understand the pass controls yet ... I got lucky passing to the one wide-open guy, it seems.

0:16 The first quarter's over already after a couple more first downs. I'm working it down the field pretty easily here. I still don't understand the pass controls, but I think I figured out that mashing the A button helps break tackles.

0:18 A close third and short play brings out the chains for a measurement. Nice, full-screen animation here. It's fourth-and-inches. I used the handy "dive" option on the play screen to get an automatic first down, complete with more full-screen animation.

0:19 ARGH! I'm about to get a first down at the opposing 6 when the speakers cry out "Fumble!" A sea of pink guys dives on it and runs back a few yards. Hell diddly ding dong crap.

0:20 The silver lining: On their first play from scrimmage, my defense gets a huge QB sack resulting in a safety! I'm up 2-0. I had nothing to do with that play at all, but I'm not complaining.

0:21 Before I know it it's already halftime! That means a full-screen animated halftime show, with balloons and blimps. And I'm not talking about the chests on the cheerleaders, believe it or not.

0:22 Heh, all the opposing team's offensive stats are at zero. DOMINATION!

0:23 D'oh ... I totally mess up the power meter on my first kick, which turns into an "onside kick" accidentally. They get great field position.

0:24 So even though I'm on defense, all I see during play selection is a set of offensive plays. I guess I'm supposed to guess which one they picked? Also, it seems I can't change players during the defensive plays. This messes with my usual football game defensive strategy, which is to continually change players and dive at the ball-carrier. It's pretty effective, usually.

0:25 My lack of defensive know-how results in a quick touchdown for the opposition, followed by a cute little cut scene celebration dance. The extra point kick hits the upright, but it's still 7-2. Oh well ... a 29-yard kickoff runback gives me position at midfield.

0:28 I'm getting the hang of this breaking tackle stuff, methodically working it up the field. If I isolate one tackler in the open field, I can break it wide open. If there are multiple tacklers, I'm in trouble. I eventually walk it into the end zone to make 9-7.

0:29 I'd like to take credit for the interception my defense just made on their first play from scrimmage. And for all I know my random button pressing helped somehow. But really it was probably the computer doing its thing.

0:30 With less than a minute in the game, I try to run at the clock, but it seems there's only a 10-second or so run-off between plays. After a few sacks by a suddenly emboldened opposing defense, I butt up a field goal with 36 seconds left. It's good! Seems a bit easy to kick it perfectly. Up by 5.

0:32 A couple of pathetic running plays by the opposition and it's "GAME SET." Why didn't they throw the ball? They needed like 70 yards in 30 seconds! So far the game seems a little too simple. Would it be better against a human? Well, my wireless router doesn't work with the DS and there's no one around, so I'll have to wait to find out some other time.

0:34 This time I go into Single Play Season mode with my now-beloved Texans. Apparently, in this mode, the game has to simulate every other game in the season ... and I have to watch as the scores tally up rather quickly. The Detroit Dynamites beat the Baltimore Bulldozers, etc.

0:37 Finally our game is up. We're playing in the rain, which means my guys are slower than ever. I shoulda gone into the roster and perked up their stats, eh? At least I can tell our uniforms apart this time.

0:38 I break one tackle and I work a basic "run it all the way down the field" for an easy touchdown. The top screen reads "Touchdown Bonus 12." I run it in for a two-point conversion and get "2PT Conversion Bonus 4." Are those stat bonuses or something?

0:40 So I can change which defensive player I control before the snap, but not after. LAME! Still, it forces you to be careful with your one guy. I even got an interception all by myself by choosing to control the corner. WHOO!

0:41 I like the close-up cut scene animation when passes are tipped or almost tipped. DRAMA!

0:42 Um ... my running back "V. Kelly" just activated a cut scene "lightning dodge" where he zigs between three opposing tacklers without being touched, for a touchdown. I didn't even do anything! Not that I'm complaining ... I'm up 16-0 now. Did I accidentally set the game to COMPLETELY INEPT difficulty?

0:44 Without player-switching, my defensive strategy mainly involves standing around, waiting to see what happens, then trying to maneuver my guy into position to help tackle. It works OK, but my computer-controlled partners do most of the heavy lifting.

0:49 After a frustrating interception that was completely my fault, I get the ball back on downs. A few empty passes and it's halftime again. They have stats this time, but I'm winning big in the one stat that matters: THE SCOREBOARD!

0:51 I'm at least participating in most defense now, but generally I feel utterly helpless to affect the outcome when the opponent has the ball. I find myself missing the "dive tackle" button common to many other action football games.

0:52 A big run turns into another touchdown for my team. My blockers open up a huge running hole every dang time. This is turning into a rout.

0:53 I quickly get the ball back, and get first and three after a 48-yard run. Then: 2-yard gain, 7-yard loss, intercepted pass. D'oh!

0:55 Despite having a whole quarter left, they're already going for it on fourth. I don't blame them ... they're down three scores!

0:56 My receiver is all alone deep in the backfield ... again. Then V. Kelly does his lightning dodge again for another touchdown. Where's the difficulty setting on this thing?

0:58 "V. Hondo" just got 2 QB sacks in a row for my team. Again, I had nothing to do with this but I'll take the credit.

1:00 Another 4-and-out gives me the ball at their 20. A fake pass run and a 1-yard run and I'm up by 5 scores. I give them an onside kick out of pity, but it's all over.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Maybe.


Why? The single-player game seems too simple, but playing another human seems like it might be fun.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.



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