Developer: Creative Assembly

Publisher: Sega

Release Date: March 25, 2008

Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

0:00 With a name as incredibly generic as "Viking," I felt I simply HAD to check this game out.

0:01 Lots of logos, then the title appears over what I can only assume are a bunch of Vikings hiking down a rainy concrete bridge, with a town burning in the background. There must be hundreds of them, all looking very nice in hi-def.

0:02 The new game difficulties are Normal and Hard. Why not call Normal "Easy" then? Or Hard "Normal"? Anyway, Normal it is for me.

0:03 A blizzard of tips scrolls by on the loading screen, more than I can possibly read. Then a 2-D hand drawing of an old man in a boat. "They came born of battle and bloodshed, those that would stand against the darkness. ... What was once green and fertile was now soured and barren. Those who were at peace now knew only war." Some war-like music and sounds of war accompany some quick-cut drawings of bloody war battles. WAR! "A great evil had come to Midgard" but "hope is stronger than any army, any weapon. Hope waits only for someone to embrace it." Is this a Barack Obama game?

0:05 The scene switches to full 3-D now, with more random battle scenes containing fire in the background. There's a very God of War look to it all. A blond-haired guy with a ponytail is looking hurt and forlorn amidst the carnage when the game freezes. But wait, I can still get to the in-game Dashboard. I can pause, too, but not advance the scene. Looks like time to quit out and try again.

0:09 Somehow "Continue Saved Game" is an option, so I choose it. I still have to watch the opening again, which actually isn't that bad, since the art and editing are superb. This time the game stutters but makes it through the former freezing point. Anyway, Goddess Freya comes to talk to the blonde guy. She has chosen him. "You will become my champion here on Midgard." So this really is Sega's version of God of War, huh?

0:13 With the merest wave of her arms, Freya repels the invaders, puts out the fires, removes the rain and restores the land to verdant beauty. Uh, then why does she need me?

0:14 I'm in control again. Shaman Asta babbles about a wolf that stalks me. She tells me to find the Dragon Amulet and "harness the power of the Dragon Gems: Hugin, Mugin and Mjolnir." Huey, Duey and Louie?

0:16 Odd ... some townsfolk totally ignore my strikes, while others make a big deal of dodging them. Why the inconsistency? Anyway, a guy at the archery contest tells me the blacksmith is good with combat runes. But I have no gold. Sad...

0:19 The enemy forces in this game are actually servants of Hel -- as in, "Hel's Minions." Way to be original, guys!

0:20 Chieftain Haral is happy to see me "as fresh as a young buck." He says this a little too enthusiastically, if you know what I mean. "If you want to help us, rebuild our numbers." You want me to impregnate someone? Oh, no, he actually wants me to free some of our men that are being held prisoner nearby. OK then! He opens the town gates for me in a big, horribly undramatic cut scene.

0:22 So I'm leaving Brighthelm and entering Tunthwaite. Jeez, who names this stuff? My first battle is with a blue, shirtless orc-thing. Three swings of the X button and he's impaled and beheaded. Well, that was simple.

0:23 The dead orc-thing releases some red orbs for me to collect. Boy, they're not even shameful about the blatant God of War theft, huh?

0:24 The Y button is the jump button? Who puts the jump button way up there on the controller? Meanwhile, I found 14 Gold.

0:25 I sneak up on some more orc-things that are snacking on my countrymen. How DARE they. IMPALE!

0:29 A group of 20 or so identical blue orc-things gives me quite a bit of trouble. As I attack one, another simply hits me from the side. The game tells me I can use LT to defend myself, but whenever I try to attack I'm overrun. Eventually I die and get transported back to Brighthelm. Am I missing something?

0:31 Luckily I can warp directly back using a massive Leystone. This time I spam the block button, but I still take damage, even with my defenses up! Ugh.

0:34 I'm a little smarter this time, going around the big group of meanies. Still, one peels off from the group, attracting a few others with him. Before I know it, I'm facing a dozen. It's OK, though; the slow drip and health items make them manageable. Still, I absolutely hate this slow, clunky battle system so far. In a game like this, that is a BAD sign.

0:37 I find a dragon-summoning stone, but I don't know how to summon the dragon. Then I find a Hugin gem. "Hugin is useless to us while it resides outside the Dragon Gem's setting," Freya's disembodied voice says. Uh ... what? The monks in the north can help explain, I'm told.

0:39 After a long interlude of exploring cliffs and finding a bunch of gold, I stumble across my men. I let them out of their cage by RIPPING IT OPEN WITH MY BARE HANDS and they let out a cheers. Wait a minute, if I could do it alone, couldn't these six guys to it themselves?

0:40 Oh, the guys I rescued will help me fight now. Good. Anything that prevents me from having to use the horrible battle system.

0:41 Quote of the moment: "Spill the wretch's blood. Show your might."

0:42 With all the orc-things eliminated, the area is now bright and sunny again. Warrior Cadby tells me to look out for a kid and go by the battle arena to learn some new moves. So awaaaay we go!

0:44 Back in town. Someone tells me that if I find some beer I should bring it to the beer hall. OK then!

0:46 I buy some Fire and Ice runes with my gold. Now I can go into "Power Shift Mode" which, um, shifts my power or something. Whatever ... it uses up my red orb power and makes my sword a fire/ice sword. Whoo. Original.

0:48 OW! I nearly die jumping down roughly 20 feet. I know this is more "realistic" but come on. NOTHING else about this game screams realism.

0:49 In the battle arena, I summon a dead guy who demands to know "who draws me away from the tables of Valhalla." Um, me! Please don't hurt me! No, instead he teaches me the free "Freyjd's Wrath" move, which lets me do an unexciting, basic jumping attack.

0:51 I enjoy these long walks on the beach. The gently lapping ocean waves look nice. But everything seems rather ... empty.

0:52 I run into Warrior Havelock who goes on and on about how Hel is SO much better than Freya and that she's gonna win and I'm all like "Nuh uh!" and then we TOTALLY FIGHT!

0:53 OMG, Havelock knows how to block. They should call him Haveblock! But he can't block my fire sword. Well, he can, but it still sets him on fire! AWESOME!

0:55 OK, he's not on fire anymore but he's still blocking. He's not attacking though, and I am. Eventually my attacks get through his blocking, and even more eventually, after like a hundred, he falls and I get "Havelock's Helmet." Woohoo!

0:57 My radar is telling me to go somewhere else, so I guess that's where I'm going. Not really sure WHY, though.

0:58 I'm loving my charge attack, which automatically does three strikes at nearby enemies. I don't even have to re-aim.

1:00 The map led me back to the Leystone. Why? I dunno. And I never will.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? It's slow, clunky, empty and boring. But at least it's kind of pretty.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.

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