Developer: Liquid Storm

Publisher: Greenwave Games

Release Date: June 17, 2008

Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PC

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 My exposure to this game (and the show it's based on) comes mainly from this Penny Arcade comic. Also, it should be noted that this is the first GFL being played on my brand-new 40" Samsung LCD HDTV! Those crabs are going to look AMAZING!

0:01 Zip-update-doo-dah.

0:02 A high-def yet still blocky-looking boat, the Northwestern, floats on choppy waters as three disembodied heads look on above the title. "Wanted Dead or Alive" plays in the background. Makes me want to play Rock Band...

0:03 "Ice builds up faster on the side of your boat that is the most exposed to wind." Thanks for the nautical tip, loading screen!

0:04 In the Bering Sea: "Mayday, mayday ... we are taking on water ... mayday!" A window cracks as a wave washes over a guy in a yellow raincoat. The U.S. Coast Guard ship is rushing in, ETA 15 minutes. A chopper flies off the deck of the savior ship.

0:05 Suddenly, a video of some guy (from the show?) comes on explaining, in a very unpolished manner, that some heavy storm-force winds are coming. I'm not close enough to help in the rescue, so I have to go back to harbor. "The autopilot is set ... all you need to do is take the throttle and control the speed." Really? That's it?

0:06 The choppy water is matched by the extremely choppy frame rate.


0:07 Pointless quote of the moment: "One of us is gonna get sick, and it ain't me." The game actually comes to a complete halt to deliver this bon mot.

0:08 The Coast Guard reports that there's no one on board the damaged ship and that we should keep an eye out for survivors. Finally time for some action?

0:10 Nope. Instead I get to watch the boat lurch towards the harbor extremely slowly. As I fiddle with the camera, we succeed!

0:11 "Just don't crash my boat!" says the unpolished guy as he hands over the controls. I turn the camera to look at some sea lions outside the window. CUTE!

0:13 The radar controls are explained, then I'm told to slow down to let the Coast Guard cutter pass. "These are the rules of the road you need to follow." Wow ... thrilling...

0:14 I can now say that this game accurately captures the lack of excitement of watching a Coast Guard boat pass by slowly in front of you.

0:15 The game finally explains how to steer and gives me full control! The Shellfish wants a race. That's a boat, not an actual shellfish.

0:17 After a thrilling (read: not thrilling) 11.5-knot dash, I beat the Shellfish to the entrance of the bay. "The Shellfish is always bragging about how fast they are, turns out the Northwestern has all the speed you need." Um, I actually need a little more than 12 knots to excite me.

0:19 Bow thrusters let me turn veeeery slowly without using the throttle. They help me maneuver the boat into the dock veeeery slowly. "You guys sure took your sweet time. I've been waiting here forever." Oh, I'm sorry Matt ... it seems I'm in a boat that only goes 11 knots, not a FREAKIN' FERRARI!

0:24 It's finally time to start fishing! Which means, time to start looking at the map plotter, actually. The map shows where the crab were at the beginning of the season, though they "do tend to move around," I'm told. I thank god that I can set waypoints and use "Fast Time" to travel the long distances by autopilot.

0:26 I have to wake up the crew with a Sims-like menu, setting them to "pot-setting" mode. Then I navigate to the glowing green circle on the water as the crew gets the pot ready to drop. Some lifelike animation from the crew, but the frame rate is still pretty choppy.

0:27 The Coast Guard radios in an update ... they found the life raft with four survivors. I had forgotten all about them! "Thank god. One more crew beat the Bering Sea!" This line is delivered with all the enthusiasm of someone watching grass growing. Unpolished video guy comes on to bloviate on the dangers of the sea. "Is it ever gonna happen to you? It does keep a guy on edge and it does weigh in the back of your mind sometimes. But we're here to fish." No, apparently we're here to listen to you bum us out with morbid talk. Sheesh!

0:31 Finished setting up the pots. The crew members each have red energy meters and yellow morale meters. This really is The Sims!

0:33 I'm busy speeding through time when a distress call comes in and we're compelled to help in the search.

0:34 "Captain, someone just fired a flare to the East. We should go check it out!" This is delivered in the worst faux-Russian accent I have EVER heard. At least, I hope it's faux and I didn't just insult a real Russian crew member from the show or something.

0:36 Damn, but it's boring waiting for the boat to trundle slowly towards the flare site. Anyway we finally get there and the captain explains they had a power surge. Unpolished video guy pipes in: "If I'd have known it was THOSE guys out there, I'd have let them float out there just a LITTLE bit longer." Oh, you don't like these guys. Well, take out the guns and let's shoot them or something. Anything to get the excitement level up here!

0:38 Instead of shooting them, we agree to tow their boat to harbor. "That fishing trip will have to wait." Awww. Still, I get 45 Gamerscore points for offering a "Helping Hand." Bonus!

0:40 Since we're in town, we might as well load up on pots and fuel. Wow ... this boat can hold roughly 60,000 gallons, even though 1,000 gallons in enough for an ENTIRE DAY at full throttle. I shudder to think of a 60-day journey at these boring speeds.

0:42 "Captain! You've got to help me! I've got a girl in my bunk and my girlfriend just showed up! Can you keep her busy in the wheelhouse for a few minutes?" My choices are "All Right" or "You're On Your Own." I pick the latter, mainly because I'm bitter they're putting a freaking REALTIONSHIP SIM into my fishing game. "Oh $#%*! She's going to kill me!" responds my crew member. OK then!

0:44 "Great job; that pot is stuffed. She's up to the tunnels." Uh ... yeah! I got 67 keepers!

0:46 Edgar is playing with fire, which bothers Nick. I can talk to Edgar and tell him to stop playing with fire or tell him to "do it again" because it was funny. This is a FISHING game, remember. "Don't forget that everything you do or say can have an impact on the morale of your crew members." THE POWER!

0:48 Ugh, as if this game weren't slow enough, the boat is forced to stop while they count the crabs and reset the pot. ARGH!

0:51 "Avoiding long waiting lines can be critical to the success of your season." True in crab fishing, true in the supermarket.

0:54 OMG. I just spent three minutes of my life watching a boat dock. THREE MINUTES.

0:55 My first catch sold, the tutorial is FINALLY done. I can now access career mode to go out there and fish, fish, fish.

0:56 The career difficulties are Very Easy, Easy, Intermediate and Realistic. Oh, I get it, because real-life crab fishing is hard. Intermediate sounds fine for me.

0:58 I can pick from four different schlubby-looking boat captains. They're all very disturbing to see in HD. I can set my boat name, too. I go with the Edmund Fitzgerald, because I'm a jerk. I can also color the boat any way I want. I go for an all-neon green look. It's blindingly beautiful!

0:59 This minute spent saving my neon green boat. Wow, I never thought I'd type those words in that order.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? Though it seems like a well-made, decently realistic simulation, the glacial pace, clunky presentation and ridiculous crew management turned me off.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.



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