Developer: Krome Studios

Publisher: LucasArts

Release Date: Nov. 11, 2008

System: Wii

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web Site

0:00 When I bought Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels, the clerk tried to up-sell me a $20 light-up lightsaber attachment for the Wii remote. I asked, "Does it help you play the game?" He replied, totally deadpan, "It can't hurt." I consider this a bad sign.

0:01 OK, the TV made the little lightsaber charge-up sound when I went to the preview screen. That's totally awesome.

0:02 The game needs a Nunchuk? I don't remember a dangly thumbstick bit hanging down from the lightsabers in the original trilogy! Laaaame.

0:04 Difficulties are: Youngling, Padawan, Jedi Knight and Grand Master. Well, I know what SOME of those words mean! I go for the "Jedi in Training" Padawan Campaign.


0:05 "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away," reads the familiar blue text, before the big yellow logo: "STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS." Instead of the expected scrolling text story, a bombastic narrator speaks over a frenetic action cut scene. In short: Count Dooku isolated the Galactic Senate, so Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi lead a clone army against some robots or something.

0:07 During the journey to ... somewhere, Anakin trains freaky alien Ahsoka. This is the narrative's excuse for a tutorial. "OK, Snips, let's get started on your exercises." Snips ... what a great nickname. From now on, call me Snips.

0:08 Sword-swinging time. Anakin warns me "not to just swing it around" ... he wants "clean cuts." Sure enough, the game seems to detect which way I'm swinging the Wii remote. Left, right, up, down and "thrust" all do different moves. The lightsaber sounds coming from the Wii remote are pretty cool.

0:09 The A button does rolls and backflips in all sorts of directions. The coolest part is the little front-flip you can do right over your opponent.

0:10 "If you suffer too many injuries, you'll become one with the Force ... permanently." That ... that sounds OK...

0:11 On to Intermediate Force training, which means holding down Z to glow green and do more powerful attacks that drain a special meter. I can also pick up objects and fling them with the Nunchuk. It's like Power Stone, but a lot more awkward and Star Wars-y.

0:12 Combos! Slashing left, right, left, down pulls off Snips' "Shii-Cho combo." Easy enough to pull off in training, but during battle ... we'll see.

0:13 Quote of the moment, from Snips: "What's the matter? Afraid I might beat you?" This despite the fact that Anakin is blocking every single one of her attacks!

0:14 "OK, Snips, here's where the fun begins." I was wondering when the fun would begin, actually. Also: "Remember what master Yoda says ... size matters not." Sounds like Master Yoda's compensating for something.

0:15 By "fun," Anakin obviously meant "waggling the Wii remote left and right really quickly" and "following on-screen prompts for which direction to waggle the Wii remote." We obviously have different ideas of fun.

0:17 Parries seem overly tough to pull off, and the Force Push seems way too powerful. "Good job, Snips. You're ready to hold your own in a fight." About time!

0:18 "Treachery in the outer rim!" cries the bombastic announcer. The son of Jabba the Hutt has been kidnapped, so Yoda sends Anakin and Snips to rescue him. Suddenly some woman with two lightsabers springs a trap. "Master Skywalker, I've been so looking forward to another encounter with you. I see you've found yourself a pet." Ouch for Snips! Then, an awkward jump cut from CGI right into much less impressive-looking battle.

0:21 Pretty tough for a first battle ... she knows how to block and parry with the best of 'em. Droids in the background fire ineffectual lasers at us during the fight, while the combatants repeat a bunch of badly written lines, which kind of ruins the immersion. I'm already finding the control scheme unintuitive -- I want to block with Z, not B.

0:24 Apparently the first fight was only hard because I was trying to play it like a real fighting game. This time I run towards the enemy and swing the Wii remote nonstop randomly throughout. An easy win. "Your skills have improved since we last met." Bad sign that random flailing is an improvement ... And then she gets eaten by some huge monster? What?

0:25 More overwrought drama in the cut scenes. Obi-Wan confronts ... the same Sith assassin Anakin just took out. I guess being eaten didn't kill her? I'm confused.

0:28 My "Wave the Wii remote around randomly" strategy works wonders yet again. A very bad sign. "The next time we meet will be the last, Kenobi, I promise you." I can only hope.

0:30 Obi-Wan has now said "You will drown in that ocean of hate" roughly a dozen times in the course of this two-round fight. Literally.

0:31 "There is no need to fight, my dear," Obi-Wan says upon winning. Then why did you just chase her down and beat her up, huh? After the fight, she gets crushed by falling rubble, but manages to cry out: "Nothing is over, Jedi," from beneath the cement. Obi-Wan runs off instead of finishing her off. Wha?

0:32 "A RACE AGAINST TIME!" They escaped the blockade and make for Tatooine to arrange a treaty with the Hutts. Dooku ambushes Anakin in the desert with plans to frame him for the murder of the baby Hutt. Am I really fighting Count Dooku already? I thought he was supposed to be the big bad guy or something.

0:35 Quote of the moment: "My powers grow stronger every time we meet, Dooku!" Jeez Anakin ... show, don't tell!

0:36 Dooku goes down to the random-flail strategy. "The hour is late and the Jedi are doomed." Not from where I'm standing.

0:37 "You and your Separatists are traitors to the Republic" count: It feels like a million.

0:38 "I respect your skills, Count, but I am not impressed." Wow, Anakin is polite even in victory. Then the Count gets pushed into a Sarlacc pit. So he's actually dead this time, maybe?

0:39 More bombast! General Grievous stole R2-D2, so Anakin jumps from a plane to get him back. Meanwhile, Snips engages General Grievous. So maybe HE'S the big bad guy?

0:40 Grievous is a robot with four arms and FOUR lightsabers? When does this madness end? It's like adding blades to razors. Just STOP!

0:43 Random flailing is still going great. I knock the general off the edge of the stage at one point, but he just jumps back on. That was pointless.

0:44 Grievous is down, and another cut scene: "You despicable little child." "I'm a Jedi Knight." "Not for much longer!" "We will meet again, Youngling." God, it's like an eight-year-old wrote this.

0:46 OK, this story is actively stupid and the difficulty is obviously set way too low, so I finally decide to back out and try the "Challenge" mode. I decide to play as General Grievous, because I've always wanted to know what it's like to carry FOUR lightsabers.

0:47 Apparently I can't do Grievous' challenge yet, but I can do Anakin's on "Padawan" difficulty. Groan...

0:49 "I hope fighting battle droids hasn't dulled your skills, Anakin," says sparring partner Obi-Wan. No, but playing this game has.

0:50 Quote of the moment: "If I win, you have to shave your beard." Really, Anakin? REALLY?

0:52 "I've always enjoyed weapons training practice with you, Obi-Wan" count: An infinity-billion.

0:54 "Aw, my Padawan fights better than that." OH SNAP!

0:55 Since I only have a few minutes left, I should note the few things I've liked so far: The character animation and sound design. Um, that's about it.

0:56 All right, let's turn up the difficulty to Grand Master and see if this gets any harder.

0:58 Snips takes out the bald-headed lady assassin yet again. It was at least close this time, but random flailing seems to work even at the top difficulty. Sigh.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? I'm not a big enough Star Wars dork to tolerate an awful fighting game.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game purchased by Crispy Gamer.



Be sure to check out the Crispy Gamer review of Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Lightsaber Duels.


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