Developer: Epic Games

Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios

Release Date: Nov. 7, 2008

System: Xbox 360

ESRB Rating: M

Official Web site

0:00 Confession time: I bought the original Gears of War and played it exactly once before putting it back in its case and never touching it again. I know ... I'm a horrible person.

0:01 Logos fade into a Gears of War 2 title screen with red gears and skulls and burning and blackness. Par for the course for this type of game.

0:02 The training grounds seem to be about multiplayer matches, so I'm off to muddle my way through the solo campaign.

0:03 The difficulties are Casual, Normal, Hardcore and the locked Insane. Casual is if "you've never played a shooter before" which doesn't quite apply. Normal means "you enjoy playing the occasional shooter" which isn't totally accurate, but is closest.

0:04 "It began, as always, with the desire for power, the need to conquer, the hunger to consume." Humanity fighting an endless battle against itself, then uniting against alien attackers -- but their retaliation causing their own downfall. "To survive is to endure and prosper, and we have most definitely survived." Apparently the narrator is an alien. "In a way, I pity them, but humanity, as always, brought this war upon itself."

0:06 A solider gets wheeled off on a stretcher. "TIP OF THE SPEAR: WELCME TO DELTA" is the first chapter. "It never ends." says the gruff, meaty Sgt. Fenix. "The Gears are moving deeper every day." That's what she said. Really ... though I don't know who she is. "At least we've got reinforcements," says Dom. "Yeah, but for how much longer?" answers Fenix. What dull dialogue...

0:08 We've got a trainee, private Ben Carmine, who is very formal in addressing Sgt. Fenix. "Drop the sir shit, kid. We're not that polite out here. Oh yeah, welcome to Delta." Heh.

0:09 "I don't need you getting religious out there." Apparently this means he doesn't want Carmine getting "holy" ... like holey ... like full of holes. Wow. That was awful. Also: "The golden rule of the Gears is: Take cover or die." Good to know!

0:11 After some target practice on some bottles, Dom says, "Better reload. Could be some more killer bottles up ahead." Heh. I still really like the shaky camera as you run for cover.

0:12 Carmine sees a "monkey-dog thing." in the window. The Y button lets me focus on it as Dom shoots. I like the floating robot that investigates the corpse.

0:13 Liking the environments so far ... wrecked cars and decay amid beautiful buildings. It really looks like a fallen city. The camera blurs nicely as it moves, too.

0:14 The rookie throws an errant grenade and blows himself up. I can heal him with a tap of the X button. Wow. I'm Jesus!

0:16 The parking garage is as empty as the chatter between Marcus and the rookie. I'm really liking the Y-button look ... it points me in the right direction and makes it hard to get lost.

0:17 I get a 10G Achievement for "Green as Grass." Now on to "TIP OF THE SPEAR: DESPERATION." Are developers allergic to lowercase letters or something? Anyway, we're in an abandoned hospital lobby wracked by explosions. A new guy, Tai, tells us about a Locust raid.

0:20 Some talk about potential Locust motivations for such a brash attack on our hospital goes here. Then, in my ear: "Locusts are in the hospital! I repeat! Locusts are in the hospital!" The lights go out, rumbling, and plaster falls. Resident Evil it ain't.

0:21 We take cover around a window over a courtyard, wait until it fills with Locust, then fire at the convenient explosive tanks. Kaboom! Quite a nice-looking explosion.

0:22 The "Lightmass bombing" is causing "Rust Lung" in some soldiers. Just FYI.

0:25 My first real firefight, in a hallway with abandoned stretchers as cover. I take out one guy, then try to run up and melee the other. It ... doesn't seem to work, and soon I'm crawling on the ground to safety, waiting for my teammate to revive me. I feel lame.

0:27 Down the stairs to another firefight. The red blood splatters that accompany each hit seems a little gratuitous, but I suppose they do make everything feel more real and dangerous. Then I hide behind some cover and refill all my health. So much for that "real" feeling.

0:29 I get a nice rifle with a zoom sight, take my cover and train in on an enemy. Then Dom walks right into my sight and in my way. MOVE IT, JERKFACE!

0:30 Into an open courtyard now, where my teammates help me beat back an invasion force. My teammate's AI seems pretty good, when it's not walking right in front of my scope.

0:33 The game's doing a good job of making me feel part of a team here. Dom and Tai draw fire from one side while I do a cross shot from the other side of the room.

0:34 Note to self ... make sure you have the chainsaw gun equipped before trying a melee attack. Otherwise you will lose.

0:35 Quote of the moment: "Walk it off, pussy." Wow, Dom, you're a real pal.

0:36 It can be hard to tell the good guys from the bad, since we all wear similar armor. The only real difference is the faces.

0:37 After a quick firefight in the cafeteria, a helicopter comes hurtling through the ceiling. Just another day in the office...

0:38 While I fight from down in the courtyard, Dom goes up and creates some crossfire from close range. Now that's teamwork!

0:41 Quote of the moment, from Tai: "I like the glow of Locust blood in this light."

0:42 We're taking the fight to the streets now. The open areas are a little more interesting than hallway corridors, but it's already feeling a little repetitive.

0:46 The streets get cleared easily, despite some trouble with the cover system. I feel like I've taken 100 bullets to the face, but as long as I recover behind cover in between shots, I'm A-OK.

0:47 Quote of the moment: "Running away won't help! I'll just shoot you in your asses." That's deep, man.

0:48 Anya appears on the robotic screen and talks to Dom about a Jane Doe that matches the description ... of his wife I guess? She went missing. Dom rages. He needs a second to get in touch with his feelings. Talk about melodrama...

0:49 Cut to overhead shots of a massive army gathering in a square. "Humans are no strangers to war. After all we've been fighting for as long as we can remember. War is all we know." All right, we get it! We're a warlike people. Sheesh! Anyway, "It is a fight we cannot continue. Humanity faces extinction unless we end this war now." Doesn't this kind of go without saying? Of course we want to end the war "now."

0:50 "Heard there's a shitload of grubs down there, Sergeant," says Carmine. "More like 10 shitloads," replies Fenix. Just think ... someone had to write that.

0:51 More blather about why we're attacking, as the title appears dramatically. The general continues his speech: If we want peace for our children, we have to "go to where they live and where they breed, and we will destroy them." God, this guy is repetitive. "This is the day we ensure our survival as a species."

0:52 We land and a guy in a cowboy hat welcomes us to "the big suck ... Well, let's go shoot some bullets in those grubs!" New chapter: "TIP OF THE SPEAR: ROLLING THUNDER!"

0:53 A big assault force is riding to land atop big tank-like platforms. Lots of futuristic military-porn shots of the mechanical units and helicopters, with soaring music. Very pretty, I'll admit, but I really just want to get back to the action. Just as I think this, missiles fly in from afar ... incoming mortars!

0:55 The game has turned into a shooting gallery mini-game, as I have to hit the incoming mortar shells with a turret before they hit our platform. They're hard to get a bead on as they twist through the blue sky towards our platform. Before long, our platform gets knocked into a ravine and it's "OBJECTIVE FAILED." Some nice piano music replaces the warlike march. Restart.

0:57 Again I get taken out quickly. I don't think I've hit a single mortar shell so far. This is getting annoying.

0:59 We finally survive the onslaught. The key seems to be not using the slow, hard-to-aim turret and instead just using my rifle to stop the mortar shells. But now floating Reapers are attacking. They'll have to wait for the next hour...

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes.

Why? While I can see the stop-and-pop action getting repetitive quickly, so far it's engaging enough to make up for the corny writing.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game purchased by Crispy Gamer.

Be sure to check out the Crispy Gamer review of Gears of War 2.

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