Developer: Wideload Games

Publisher: Gamecock

Release Date: June 24, 2008

Systems: PS3 (reviewed), Xbox 360

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 I'm a fan of politics, games and humor, so something that combines all three should be a slam dunk. Still, the general reception the game got has me less than optimistic.

0:01 Oh, what a shock, version 1.02 of the software has to be downloaded. At least it's only a 24 MB update, so it should take too long.

0:04 Three minutes of downloading and we're done. That has to be a record for the PS3...

0:05 Cut to a deserted island with a large yellow, mustachioed clam. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls ... let me introduce Hail to the Chimp," says the high-voiced clam. He goes on about how clams have been abused. "Power to the clams ... kneel, things with knees! Kneel before your true masters!" Then, "from the GRR newsroom, it's ... the news." Woodchuck Chumley talks about a democratic election to replace the king of the animals.

0:07 Cut to a commercial for "Just for Gorillas" fur color. "Now silverback is just an honorary title." Heh. Then a stylish ad for Spanish armadillo Santo.

0:08 Back to Chumley, who goes on about tainted dog treats that have chocolate. On the news crawl at the bottom: "More placenta recipes to come." Ew.

0:09 Cut to an ad for Toshiro, an octopus in the desert who "brought the desert back to life by sheer grit and determination." Then a hip-hop ad for plankton. "Eat that plankton like you just don't care, 'cuz they're tiny and they're tasty and they're everywhere ... a message from the Plankton Council." I could press start to start the actual game at any point, but I'm entranced by this satirical take on the news.

0:10 OK, OK, on to Campaign mode. "This is Rusty with the magical green screen that shows the map," says a forlorn-looking turtle. "This is the Ptolemy challenge because only Ptolemy could find it challenging." Huh? What does this have to do with ancient philosophers?

0:12 Ah ... I'm a hippo named Ptolemy. That makes more sense. We're running around trying to collect clams from a riverbed and deposit them in our "Ballot Box." So are the clams supposed to represent votes, or money? I'm confused.

0:14 The octopus and the armadillo team up and start hopping around, knocking me and the other guy out and sending clams everywhere. I struggle figuring out where I can actually stand.

0:16 It took my way too long to figure out that I need to hit triangle to drop off the clams that I collect. Why aren't they just dumped automatically when I get close?

0:19 Once I figure out what's going on, it's quite easy to collect enough clams to win. Punching other candidates is a great way to win votes. Er, not in real life ... but in the game. So far, the interface leaves a lot to be desired, though. It's way too crowded and confusing, while still somewhat sluggish.

0:20 "Ptolemy may have won, but while we have a winner we still don't have a leader, if you catch my drift." Um ... I don't. "Let's review the stats for the last round and pretend moral turpitude doesn't exist." I've unlocked some new videos in the GRR On Demand area. So far these news segments are the only thing to recommend the game for.

0:23 Another mini-game in the same area ... this time I have to collect "sets" of clams while avoiding the punches from the other candidates. Luckily, I can hit others, too. It's still way too easy to win.

0:24 Loser Santo gives his concession speech. "Perhaps it would have been easier to effect political change through self-portraiture." He's a painter, you see. Ptolemy, on his win: "After years of loving the ladies, Ptolemy finally gets a man-date." Groan...

0:25 Cut to an interview between Ptolemy and an ostrich. Ptolemy is pro-obesity. His voice is also a borderline racist caricature of African-Americans. A viewer asks him "Boxers or briefs?" despite the fact that he doesn't wear clothes.

0:26 Rusty: "You've already beaten the Ptolemy challenge, but I suppose you could beat it again." He sounds so defeated. Like this game makes me feel...

0:27 "This is the Floyd challenge, named after the walrus of the same name. I'm not sure why." Before starting, a Floyd ad stresses that he has a radio that broadcasts "super-intelligent voices from beyond."

0:30 This new stage takes place on a dock, but is otherwise depressingly similar to the riverbed level. This time I have to bust open crates to get the clams to stuff in the Ballot Box. There are a few age traps around that make you immobile for an annoyingly long time.

0:33 "Daisy wins the primary," mainly because I got trapped in those stupid cages so often. "I'm a little princess. I'm a little princess." she crows. The woodchuck newscaster tries to console me. "It could be worse. It could be raining, or the Earth could be destroyed by a giant meteor! Both would be worse than this temporary setback." True! Neither would be much worse than this game, though.

0:34 Round two is all about collecting clams while avoiding "bombshells" dropped from above. These political metaphors are getting a bit heavy-handed, even for me!

0:35 I team up with a squid and bounce around destroying all who stand in my way. Then somehow I get caught in a cage again. Sigh.

0:37 I pull out a win by not getting blown up. The anchor calls it "not so much a victory [for me] but a catastrophic failure for everyone else." True!

0:38 Round three seems somewhat intriguing ... we have to collect clams, then go to the "fat cats" around the dock to grab some campaign donations. These fat cats are actual cats, you see. Hooray for heavy-handed metaphors!

0:43 Quote of the moment: "Sometimes you can learn a lot by teaming up with an unpopular person." The more you know!

0:44 "I can totally hear ... the smell of victory!" I say after my victory. This round was close, mainly because I didn't understand that you keep your clams even after getting a fat cat donation.

0:45 Quote of the moment "You don't need an effete alligator to tell which way the wind blows." I'm always saying that!

0:47 "The Hedwig Challenge. Believe it or not, it's all about math." R-Really?

0:48 Hedwig is apparently a Swedish polar bear, who stresses in an ad that she is pretty, so she doesn't have to spend money to make herself look pretty, which will save the government money somehow? Whatever ... "I'm Hedwig, I'm pretty, and I approved this message."

0:49 This time I'm collecting clams and stuffing the Ballot Box on a snowy slope of a level with tons of rolling snow boulders. They're pretty hard to avoid, actually.

0:51 I'm having quite a bit of trouble staying alive here, what with all the snow boulders. Help!

0:56 Once I figure out that I have to punch the rolling snowballs to get clams (explain THAT one) I quickly dominate the field. The AI opponents are unconscionably bad ... they just run around randomly, barely punching. This might be slightly more fun with real people, but I doubt it. The interface would still be just as confusing and sluggish.

0:59 Another stupid "avoid the bombshells" round mercifully finishes out my hour.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? Somewhat clever pun-based writing can't make up for confused and random gameplay.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.

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