Developer: Marvelous Entertainment

Publisher: XSEED Games

Release Date: Oct. 1, 2008

System: PSP

ESRB Rating: E-10+

Official Web site

0:00 I proudly admit to never having heard of the original Valhalla Knights, much less its sequel, but XSEED Games was kind enough to furnish a copy, so away we go!

0:01 But first I have to update my PSP's firmware. Oh Sony ... you are so ridiculously predictable.

0:03 The reason for the new firmware? "New effects have been added to the visual player under 'Music.'" This is why I'm wasting my time? Really?

0:06 Complete. That was relatively painless, actually, probably because it didn't involve any Internet downloading.

0:07 The title appears over a starry field. "The Day of Judgment." Quick images of ethereal clocks and angel wings. "We saw a goddess descend ... she birthed a foul being upon the world and cursed mankind with despair. The gods have forsaken us." Heady orchestral music. Some crystals explode. Two knights look at each other. Extreme close up on their faces. "All for the sake of destroying the gods." Man ... melodrama much?

0:08 New game ... I can pick between male and female versions of an Elf, Halfling, Human, Dwarf and "Akatoki," whatever that is. I go with the Human because I'm not feeling that fantastical today.

0:10 There are six selectable face types, each more misshapen than the last. I choose the modified "Cloud Strife" haircut, also called "Hair 2."

0:11 I can be a Fighter, Mage, Priest, Thief or Monk. Fighter seems the default, so why not? It should keep things simple. My default name is "Dynas" ... I'm just going with everything today. I get three stat points to pump in to strength, HP, intelligence, etc. I pump it all in to strength to create the most SUPER-BAD-ASS FIGHTER YOU'VE EVER SEEN. ROAR!!

0:13 In a medieval city, citizens look up to see a floating island. An old man falls to the ground at the sight. "Judgment day, we saw a goddess descend from the heavens ... but she came not bearing good news." A shockwave wreaks havoc on the city. "The gods have forsaken us." A woman in a coat fights the angel with a circular clock of light, which explodes and sends rocky crags up a statue, then explodes. "Humanity may lack power enough to defeat the goddess now, but perhaps in a thousand years' time, we may come to attain it." Uh yeah, but your race has to survive that long, right? "I am prepared to give my life only to gain more time."

0:15 The angel's feathers fly out and hit people, turning them into wolves and flying beasts. "Mark these words. Trust the gods no more. Have you the time to pray, have children and raise them, give them swords and strengthen their minds. Live ... Let nothing sway your will to live. Mankind. To live is to hope and to hope is my plea to you." Is she an Obama ad?

0:17 "Year 1724 Annus Sanctus." An orphanage is being burned down by a "fire of suspicious origins." A girl in an apron is running from the fire, but hurts her leg. My character also ran from the orphanage, apparently. Someone from the neighborhood patrol comes by and openly admits he set the fire. "We're hunting heretics!" She argues the orphanage never supported the goddess. "Save your pitiful excuses for the interrogation." I step up to defend Missy's honor, predictably. Instead of a battle, though, I get knocked down. The girl kneels down to pray and suddenly I'm OK. "You really were heretics!" It certainly seems like it, doesn't it?

0:22 Another guy comes in with a sword and a white coat runs in. "Beautiful women are treasures of mankind. Stop your rude and uncultured manner!" The man in white asks me to help fight the rude guy, who then runs off as a coward. He starts hitting on the woman, when suddenly a dragon attacks. "I doubt I'll be able to talk my way out of this battle." Thank god, it's time for actual gameplay!

0:24 Wow... I have no idea what I'm doing in this real-time battle. I have time to figure out how to run and block before Otto (the guy in white) finishes the dragon off singlehandedly. Alrighty then.

0:25 Oh, he didn't really finish it off, but another guy in a white military outfit runs in and slashes him to death. "Lucky we were nearby" he says. Then he runs off. That was pointless.

0:26 "5 years later." Huh? What? Why? "Spring in 1729," it's the day of my Latroci Exam, whatever that is. I'm finally in total control. There are green arrows on the floor pointing me to the doors. Nice touch.

0:29 The orphan girl (now a woman?) gives me a Rosa Rosario. She says it'll protect me and wishes me luck. Outside, another woman tells me about the inn, the armory, the tavern, a church that revives fallen allies and the guildhall where I'll get my quests. All RPG staples.

0:30 The game points me to the tavern. The bartender tells me about some stuff I'll find in the dungeons. He looks as bored as I am. The place is totally empty, otherwise.

0:32 The only thing I can afford at the armory is an "Analysis Card." Er, I think I'll save my money, thanks.

0:33 An old Latroci tells me to change jobs every so often to get more experience. That's actually helpful. Thanks, stranger!

0:35 I finally found the palace, and the guard takes me in for my exam. I stand with two other examinees before a kingly looking guy. The guard gives me a rock and a journal, in that order. The king doesn't know how the exam will go. "Our kingdom does not need mere puppets. What we need is for you to have your own mind and spirit." Then why do you spend so much time talking and not letting me explore for myself? "Well, what are you doing here? The exam has already begun!"


0:40 Off to the guildhall. I show a woman behind a desk my rock, and she welcomes me warmly. I accept my "Exam" quest from the menu. Man this is convoluted. The quest is to "go into the forest and figure out what the rock is for." Um...

0:43 Just as I'm going off to dungeon-land, a stranger stops me and tells me some really basic stuff about how RPGs work. Seriously, this is "defeat the enemies to defeat the dungeon" level advice. "I have high hopes for you, Dynas," says the stranger.

0:44 Winding my way down the slums, I find a treasure chest with 1,000 gold in it. It's just sitting there ... in the slums. Yeah.

0:45 Battle! I approach an evil-looking rabbit from behind and slash it and an accompanying bee to bits (turns out it was the O button that actually attacks). I get a bunch of experience but my HP is already kind of low from the battle. Bad sign.

0:47 I kill another Bee but now I'm down to 1 HP. A third bee attacks and I'm "defeated." Am I missing something? Should it really be this hard this early?

0:48 I revive at the inn, where the innkeeper says he took my money for expenses. Bleh.

0:50 Now that I have some cash, I buy a Cure Flask and an Aid Flask. Maybe these will help me survive a bit better. "You come again, y'hear." What is this, the Beverly Hillbillies?

0:51 I kill a hare and two bees rather quickly. Just mashing the attack button does them in, but I still took over 50 percent of the HP in damage. Yeesh!

0:53 Another hare does me in at the last second, before I can use my revival items. I used a magic-style attack in there somehow (the square button, maybe?), but it didn't save me from the hare-y assault. Neither did blocking. Sigh. I have less money than ever, and less personal resolve, too.

0:55 This time I take the bold step of simply avoiding the enemies. It may not be brave, but I'm surviving much more than usual.

0:58 These slums are just a ridiculous maze of dead-end, bee-filled alleyways. Not especially engaging, especially when avoiding battles.

0:59 These enemies seem incredibly willing to let we walk by without attacking. Before I know it I'm in the forest. Oh, time's up. Man, what a drag.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.

Why? While the plot and writing are impressively, um, ambitious, the gameplay is not wowing me so far.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.

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