OK. You might think it's cool that you rock Azeroth as a level 70 Night Elf or that you're at 90-percent completion in whatever it is that you're doing with your Wii these days. But gamers can have a different conception of cool than other folks, and have earned -- somewhat understandably -- a reputation for being weak and defenseless geeks. And when the thugs amongst us look for prey, even an Epic-armored virtual warrior can make for an easy target.

In the past, I've given you tips on how to keep your back pain-free and telling you which games can help you burn calories while having fun. Today I'm going to keep you healthy in another way -- by keeping you from getting your ass kicked. We're going to learn some gamer self-defense.

Scenario Number One:

You've just spent your work commute or school bus ride ripping through My French Coach on your Nintendo DS. As you get off the train or bus, a stranger comes up and grabs you on the shoulder and says: "Nice toy. Hand it over, s'il vous plait."

Here's what to do:

Reach across with your opposite hand and get your fingers under the pinky side of your attacker's hand. Peel his hand off your shoulder and twist it until the palm is facing up like my friend, Phoebe, is doing in this picture.

Step to the side of your attacker while you place your free hand on his nearer shoulder, and press down. As long as you control his hand and shoulder, you now control him. C'est tous!

Scenario Number Two:

You've just wowed everyone in a two-hour finance meeting with your encyclopedic knowledge of obscure PlayStation cheat codes, when Hudgins from the sales department grabs you in a headlock. Everyone in the accounting department stares at the two of you, wide-eyed and stunned.

Here's what to do:

Use the arm closest to your attacker to reach around his back and over his nearest shoulder.

Cup his chin in your palm and slowly pull his head back. He now has the choice between hanging onto the headlock or becoming a human Pez dispenser. He's going to let go.









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Scenario Number Three:

You've finally come up with enough dough to be able to swing the newest -- and 70th different -- permutation of the PlayStation 3. You put it in the trunk of your car and as you walk to the driver side door, you're grabbed from behind. You explain to the attacker that even though the new machine has an enormous hard drive, it isn't backward compatible, so it won't play a single one of the zillion PlayStation 2 games out there. This doesn't convince him to let go.

Here's what to do:

With your stronger arm, throw an elbow back at your attacker. If it lands, cool. If it doesn't, it'll still serve as a distraction.

Now reach down between your own legs and grab one of his legs.

Pull it forward and -- off-balance -- he'll slam into the ground behind you.

These few tips, obviously, aren't the be-all and end-all of self-defense, but they should be able to help you if you find yourself in situations similar to what I've described. Just like everything else in gaming and in real life, the key is to practice until you can do something without thinking too much about it. Grab a buddy and take turns getting used to these moves. Soon, not only will you be able to confidently brag about your Exalted status in Stormwind, you'll also be able to bring a bully to his knees.