Analysts agree: Console wars won't matter in the long run

As the videogame industry looks ahead to the always-contentious holiday season, industry analysts are unanimous in their determination that the current console wars will be rendered immaterial by the relentless march of time.

"The entire videogame industry is but a microscopic speck of dirt floating along the vast, endless winds of eternity," said Wedbush Morgan's Michael Pachter in his quarterly guidance report. "Microsoft's price drop might seem like a smart move in the short run, but the extremely long-term view shows it to be just another meaningless blip against the endless, soul-crushing progression of entropy and chaos."

Michael Pachter and other analysts are taking an existential view of the console wars.

Lazard Capital Markets' Colin Sebastian was similarly sanguine in his latest note to industry investors, urging them to "evaluate [their] essentially meaningless role in the cosmic dance" before making any investment decisions. "The annals of history will take little note of the movement of Nintendo's quarterly income dividends," he wrote, "and even if it did, those history books and everyone who ever touched them will one day crumble into dust, to be strewn across the vast, interstellar void of space like so much effluvium from a brief universal sneeze."

Investors are already expressing bafflement at the wave of ennui and introspection infecting industry watchers. "Look, any first-year business school dropout can talk about the essential meaninglessness of existence," said tech fund manager Jim Brownlee. "I look to these analysts for truly deep insights into the philosophical underpinnings of the gaming sector, and instead I get pablum about the 'eternal oneness of all beings'? Come on!"

It's not all gloom and doom in analyst land, though. IDC Gaming Analyst Billy Pidgeon put a decidedly rosier outlook on the inescapable oblivion that will eventually greet everyone and everything involved in the game industry. "Sony's declining share of the market may be as immaterial as our deeply troubled existences, but it has no effect on your ability to enjoy the warmth of the sun on a summer day or the sound of a child's laugh as it bounces off the surface of a lake," he said. "I recommend investing in a full, meaningful life, while you still have the chance."

While all three analysts agreed on the utter futility of trying to predict the random and largely incomprehensible machinations of the universe, Sebastian was willing to offer a "concrete window" of 6 to 8 billion years for the destruction of the Earth in the corona of a quickly expanding sun. All three analysts will be available to take questions on their outlook at the bar of McGinty's Pub during Happy Hour tonight.


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Game journalists hold petition drive for Jack Thompson

Games media are encouraged to sign a petition to save the endangered Jack Thompson.

A group of prominent game journalists is gathering together to fight the recent disbarment of anti-game crusader Jack Thompson. The group, headed by GamePolitics editor Dennis McCauley, issued an open letter to the Florida Supreme Court this morning, urging them to reinstate the controversial former lawyer "whose antics have helped entertain and amuse gamers for many years now and, hopefully, for many more years to come." The statement also included a link to an online petition where gamers could sign up to "get Jack Thompson off the bread lines and back in the headlines, where he belongs." Signatories on the letter include prominent writers for Kotaku, Joystiq, Destructoid and dozens of other gaming blogs.

Reached by the Fryer for additional comment, McCauley admitted that there were personal reasons behind the petition drive. "We had gotten into a pretty good rhythm, Jack and I," he said. "He'd say or do something ridiculous, I'd post about it, he'd send me an e-mail, I'd post about that ... all the while, my ad rates were going through the roof. Good times..."

McCauley is worried that those reveling in Thompson's fall from grace haven't fully absorbed what the game journalism landscape will look like without him. "Think about it: Do you really want to read carefully considered debates with California Assemblyman Leland Yee? Long, well-thought out essays from the authors of "Grand Theft Childhood"? You may say you do, but my hit counter doesn't lie." McCauley went on to argue that Thompson delivered "the spittle-flecked, borderline-incoherent rants that gamers wanted -- that they needed -- and in that he'll be nearly impossible to replace. We've lost a giant, and we need to do everything we can to get him back."


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EA proposes "army of spybots" to settle DRM issues

EA unveiled its new spybot at a press conference. Game boxes will get a bit larger.

Responding to continuing and persistent complaints from gamers about the restrictive digital rights management software in Spore, Electronic Arts announced today a program of autonomous spybots that will "protect our intellectual property while simultaneously allowing gamers unfettered use of their legally purchased software," according to a statement from EA CEO John Riccitiello.

The small, circular spybots, which will be included in all future boxed copies of Spore and available via an online order form for existing players, will "hover unobtrusively just behind the end-user's shoulder, monitoring any and all activities that might lead to unauthorized use of Electronic Arts brands or products," according to a factsheet. A miniature digital camera and microphone will do the actual monitoring, sending data to what EA describes as "the largest data aggregation and analysis platform ever conceived." Any potential EULA violations will be reported via a built-in GPS and dealt with by the EA Consumer Protection Squad, in conjunction with local authorities.

"Look, we don't really care how many machines you install your copy of Spore on," Riccitiello said in response to questioning. "We just want to make sure you're not posting the game on file-sharing sites or giving it to a friend when you're done with it or posting a negative review on Amazon.com or something." Riccitiello also took pains to explain that the spybot solution would "not install a rootkit on anyone's personal computer."


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Nintendo, Sega sue Media Molecule for facilitating copyright infringement

In an unprecedented move, Nintendo and Sega banded together today to file a joint suit in a London court to try prevent what they call "the willful and malicious facilitation of copyright infringement" by Media Molecule's upcoming customizable platformer LittleBigPlanet.

Creative gamers have put Mario and Sonic into LittleBigPlanet. Who will be next?

Calling the upcoming game "the worst example of infringing technology since the Xerox machine," the suit calls attention to "highly accurate, player-built recreations of levels from Super Mario Bros. and Sonic the Hedgehog" that have already appeared in the limited public beta for the game. "By allowing users to easily mimic and share levels from their favorite games, Media Molecule has done real and provable financial harm to the rights holders of these classics," the suit alleges.

In an accompanying press release, Nintendo and Sega warned their industry brethren that platform games are just the tip of the iceberg. "Today it's Mario and Sonic, but what's to stop a fan from using the robust, highly customizable tools in LittleBigPlanet to create a near-pixel-perfect recreation of Soul Calibur, or Halo, or even The Sims?" the statement reads, in part. "We've all seen what Napster did to the music industry. Join us and make sure the same thing doesn't happen to the videogame industry."

Perhaps fearing the combined legal might of the powerful publishers, Media Molecule issued a short statement indicating a willingness to settle out of court and proposing the establishment of a "content review board" to look for "any user-generated content that in any way resembles any existing or future game."

Editor's Note: If you got this far without figuring out these stories are 100 percent satire, you may have licked too much grease off the fryer.