Developer: Namco

Publisher: Namco

Release Date: July 29, 2008

Systems: PS3 (reviewed), Xbox 360

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 I was a huge an of Soul Blade, a minor fan of Soulcalibur, kind of got back into Soulcalibur II, and totally skipped Soulcalibur III. Now you know, and knowing's half the battle.

0:01 This minute spent downloading a 16MB "update" for the game.

0:02 This minute spent creating save data, watching company logos fly in, and loading the menu.

0:03 Lightning flashes above the roof of a "Two Towers"-style spire. Some samurai guy (Mitsurugi?) stands holding a small red sword with a blinking eye inside it. He flashes back to the battle where he obtained the sword, and he seems to regret his actions. He holds up the sword and falls through the crystal floor into the tower below. Cut to Siegfried, who takes out his own sword. Cut to scantily-clad Ivy battling a girl in a suit of armor. Cut to Darth Vader, who turns around to see another samurai guy (is this one Mitsurugi? I don't remember). They fight and the light saber just bounces off the samurai sword harmlessly. How does that work?

0:05 Lava rocks fall around Siegfried as he approaches the tower, so he pulls a Sub-Zero and launches an ice attack with his sword. Meanwhile, the hulking, hideous, twisted Nightmare stands atop the tower engulfed in flames. A crystal sword sits with crystal bits hovering around it. One of the crystal bits turns into the SC4 logo. "Soulcalibur... FOUR" the announcer intones in a deep bellow. Man, that was random and incoherent. And long.

0:07 Let's start with the training mode -- I need to remember what I'm doing here. A bunch of the characters are locked and must be "purchased" in the character creator to use. Sigh. I remember liking Nightmare back in SC2, let's go with him. He has two outfits. I pick the one with the visible, purple energy core in the torso. Hoo yeah!

0:08 The randomly-selected stage is "Ice Coffin of the Sleeping Ancient." I miss the ability to taunt the opponent during the loading screen, like I could in SC2. "Can you see the darkness of the abyss?" Nightmare bellows. "All right then, come on," says Maxi. "Training START!"

0:10 The moves come flooding back to me: the drop kick, the sidestep sword-swipe that launches them in the air. Good stuff. An on-screen move list reminds me of what I forgot (and what's new). I love the effortless, eight-directional movement and responsiveness of the attack buttons. Great for a semi-button masher like me.

0:13 Enough playing with the Maxi-shaped punching bag -- on to Story Mode. The choices are Normal or Hard difficulty because Easy is for PANSIES!

0:15 An introduction scrolls up the screen. "The secret art had freed Soul Edge from the embrace of Souls in the Lost Cathedral." Soul Edge fell into a "dimensional warp" but then it came back. Er, OK. The shards of the shattered sword came together from around the world to a German city that has become cursed where the sword laid its roots. The Soul Edge "lays in wait for the day it would fight Soulcalibur again." Um, what?

0:17 Stage 1: Invasion. Nightmare and Tira vs Hilde, Gerhilde, and Siegrune. I have no idea who any of those people are except Nightmare. After some looong loading: "Only the strongest will be chosen," says the announcer. "Feel the vengeance of my people," says Hilde. "Tremble in my darkness," says Nightmare. "Stage start!" says the announcer. What happened to "Welcome back to the stage of history"?

0:19 Hilde mainly stands there and blocks, until I accidentally maneuver to the edge of the stage. A couple of jabs and it's "RING OUT!" Lame!

0:20 Tira runs in to replace Nightmare. I have no idea how to use her special moves, but a bunch of low kicks lead to a "Perfect" victory.

0:21 Gerhilde replaces Hilde and goes down without much fight. Siegrune replaces her and loses her armor as we fight, revealing a skimpy green bathing suit underneath. Fan service, much?

0:23 Siegrune goes down and Nightmare comes back to gloat. "Your meager souls do not satisfy my thirst." Um, didn't you fall off a ledge? I get 7,450 points for my efforts, including an equipment destruction bonus. I thought the swimsuit was the bonus!

0:24 Nightmare and Tira are taking on Cervantes, Valmiro and Phantasm this time. "You! I remember you!" bellows Nightmare. Oh, I bet you say that to all the fighters. Really, I do.

0:2 Cervantes goes down with a fight, but Valmiro takes out Nightmare. Tira comes in and takes him out with a cute, dainty little hoppy kick attack that I've found. She ranks up to "level 2" upon killing Valmiro. Time runs out during the battle with Phantasm, though, leading to a "Stage failed!" message. Even though I killed two guys and had more energy left -- no wonder they were blocking so much!

0:29 Throws! I forgot about throws, but Cervantes reminds me by, um, throwing me! Suddenly the constant enemy blocking is a boon as I throw many a character out of the ring. Whee!

0:30 A cut scene shows a rumbling water tunnel with flittering bats flying out and over the sea. Inside a huge cyclone in the distance is the tower from the intro. Then "Stage 3: The Deep." What was the point of that cut scene, exactly?

0:31 "A formidable opponent awaits." It's Scheherezade, a tiny little girl! "I don't care who you are, I'll take you on! Don't resist and I promise I'll make it quick." Hearing this kind of big talk from her slight frame is pretty hilarious.

0:32 Formidable opponent my foot. She goes down amazingly quickly, thanks primarily to throws. Nightmare goes up to level 2 and gets "new honor acquired," whatever that means.

0:33 "Stage 4: Cup of Souls." I love a nice cup of souls for lunch. Astaroth, Sophitia and Voldo are my competition. Finally, some opponents I know! "Determination, obsession, hope. The fiery emotion illuminates the two swords," says the announcer. You can't do better than SC for melodrama, that's for sure.

0:35 Nightmare vs. Astaroth is like the unbreakable wall vs. the immovable object. Tira takes care of spritely Sophitia with a bunch of kicks, then easily breaks Voldo with a series of four throws. After the win animation, a small message pops up: "Devoured Tira's soul." Wait, what? That seems like a very small text box for such a momentous story event like soul devouring.

0:37 Cut scene: The crystal blade sits atop the tower. It vibrates and shakes as Siegfried stands over it. "I cannot lose. I cannot allow myself to lose," says Blondy McPretty-Boy. "Prepare to taste the wrath of my sword!" He picks up the crystal and we're on to "Stage 5: Destined battle." It's one-on-one, finally. "The curtain has been raised. Those chosen by history begin their final battle."

0:38 Siegfried has some sort of double life bar, but that doesn't last long against Nightmare's powerful throws. I finish him off by literally stepping on his toes. HA! Nightmare shakes his fist in the air and bellows in victory. "At last. At last, the time has come!" In a cut scene, the sword flies from Siegfried's hands and he kneels in defeat. Nightmare summons a ball of flame in his palm. "The despicable shackles that held me all these long years are now destroyed. None shall be able to stop me!" A huge fireball accompanies sweeping, "Ride of the Valkyries"-style music. Nightmare screams as everything is engulfed in fire. "The flames of the cursed sword furiously burn. The fire of hell will soon engulf the world in despair." I love a happy ending! I get 30,000 gold and a new stage unlocked for my trouble.

0:40 Well, story mode was just as lame and simple as I remember. Let's check out the character creator I've heard so much about.

0:41 Seems my 30,000 gold in enough to purchase seven characters. It's nice they didn't make them too tough to unlock. I'd rather spend it on my new character, though.

0:42 So I choose to make a completely new character, but it seems I have nothing to equip her with. Hmm. Well, how do I buy this stuff?

0:44 I break down and buy Sophitia. When I go in to edit her, she has lots of equipment to play with, and more to buy. Alrighty then! Each item I put on changes properties like attack, defense, attack and HP. A pair of round John Lennon glasses help her attack value. How does that work? Is Sophitia nearsighted?

0:45 I'm sorry, these glasses look ridiculous on her. Forget the battle benefits, aesthetics matter! Also, replacing her skirt with leggings also somehow took off her shirt, revealing a skimpy bra. Not that I'm complaining, but I cover it up with a tight, Catholic schoolgirl shirt. Hoochie mama!

0:48 Sophitia in a purple afro is the best thing I have ever seen. It's like Ronald McSophitia! Of course, I have to color all her other equipment to match. She is now: THE AFRO AVENGER!

0:51 One of Sophitia's special status upgrades is called "hysterical strength." Is that like hysterical pregnancy?

0:53 What good is great outfit if you can't show it off? To the PlayStation Network, where I try to jump into a quick player match. I get removed from a session with four people, which seems like two too many, anyway. The next quick match gets set up correctly, but then there's a "network error detected" and I'm booted. Hrmm.

0:56 My third try "Failed to connect." My fourth try puts me in a lobby with a "battle in progress" and "waiting for other players." Um, can't they match me with some one who will play against me now?

0:58 I somehow end up watching a match between two other people. I'm not sure why the game thought this is what I wanted to do when I signed up for a player match. Anyway, one player has Yoshimitsu looking like a wolf. That's pretty cool.

0:59 I quit out, and try to set up my own player match. Maybe someone will come to battle me.

1:04 No joy. Maybe it'll be busier tonight.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes.


Why? I had forgotten how cathartic it was to smash people with my sword, and the character creator is loads of fun. If the online mode works, this could be a major time-sink.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.

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