Ubisoft Announces Imagine: McDonaldz

Ubisoft today announced a new addition to its popular Imagine series of Nintendo DS games targeted at tween girls. Imagine: McDonaldz will "replicate the never-ending parade of drudgery, abusive customers and greasy conditions that are a way of life for thousands of McDonald's workers worldwide," according to the Ubisoft fact sheet.

"Let's be realistic, not every little girl is going to grow up to be a fashion designer, rock star or even a parent," said Lesley Graham, a spokesperson for Ubisoft. "Like it or not, many of today's young girls will live out most of their adult lives in pathetic, dead-end jobs with no hope for creative expression or career advancement. The gaming industry hasn't really been targeting this underserved market, and we're hoping to fix that with this release."

The developers have set out to make IMD the ultimate fast food-service-worker simulation. Players will use the DS touch-screen to do everything from counting out change and reviewing inventory to mopping floors and cleaning grills. The game even includes a headset so players can get a feel for "struggling to decipher the garbled orders of confused, impatient drive-thru customers," according to the fact sheet. Performing well at these tasks doesn't unlock any bonuses, but failing activates one of five unskippable tirades from a virtual manager.

Ubisoft has taken the commitment to realism even farther with a new gameplay feature it's calling Actual-Time Simulation (ATS for short). To accurately capture the drudgery of an eight-hour workday, Imagine: McDonaldz players will have to actually actively play the game for an eight-hour stretch to earn in-game currency. Any unscheduled pausing or system shut-down will result in a virtual performance review and possible firing (which will erase your saved data). It's not always the same nine-to-five grind, though. "Some days you may have to do an extra shift to fill in for a coworker," Graham explained. "Some days your single 15-minute break will be interrupted when a child spews projectile vomit in the restroom. It's never the same game twice."

Imagine: McDonaldz will be available this holiday season for $19.65, or three hours of work at the federal minimum wage.

Jeremy Meyers collapses after his world record.

Local man gets Wii Fit world record with perfect "Deep Breathing" performance

Videogame world record authority Twin Galaxies announced today that area resident Jeremy Meyers, 38, is the new official world record holder in the Wii Fit Yoga training game "Deep Breathing." Meyers broke the record after an intense, nearly minute-long session in which his center-of-balance never once faltered, according to the game's 100-point scoring system.

Meyers' feat is more impressive considering his protruding gut and muscles atrophied from years of sedentary gaming, obstacles which took a lot of training to overcome, according to Meyers. "I've been breathing for practically my whole life, but since I got Wii Fit I've really been focusing on my form," he said. "Like, for instance, I used to breathe almost exclusively through my mouth, but now I try to make sure I breathe through my nose, like the on-screen trainer says."

The record was confirmed only after Twin Galaxies head referee Walter Day personally watched a video of Meyers' performance. "I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself," Day said. "He started to look a little shaky about 20 seconds in, but he pulled through beautifully to get this first-ever confirmed perfect score."

While Meyers' perfect performance is technically unbeatable, Day says he doesn't expect that to stop others from trying to match Meyers' feat. "With this incredible performance, the bar has been raised for breathers across the country," Day said. "Who will have what it takes to join the ranks of perfect breathers?"

Popcap will have to keep its movie posters in storage for now.

Popcap shocked that no one wants to option Peggle movie rights

After a two-week tour of major Hollywood studios, Popcap Games Licensing and Marketing Manager Margaret McAdams was disappointed to report that the movie industry had seemingly no interest in adapting their popular casual game Peggle into a major motion picture. "We just figured that since movies studios were snapping up licenses for games like Area 51, Cold Fear, The Suffering and Kane & Lynch, that Hollywood must be desperate for game adaptation ideas," McAdams told The Fryer in an exclusive interview. "I mean someone is making a Pac-Man movie. Someone is actually making a Pac-Man movie! "

During her tour, McAdams presented executives with a 20-page briefing book that describes the story of Bjorn the Unicorn and his search for the rare and high-scoring purple peg. The game's colorful cast of characters use their special powers to help Bjorn, all the way through the climactic final battle with the mysterious Master Hu.

"Millions of players have let these characters into their lives, spending dozens of hours with them on average," McAdams said. "But these executives don't think they'd pay nine dollars to spend an hour and a half with them in a theater? Come on!"

Rumor Reporter

Hey gamer-dudes and gamer-dudettes. It's your furry friend The Rumor Monger! here with yet another collection of the hottest gossip and that you crave.

Nintendo has let slip that Mario will be appearing in yet another game.

Gamers and critics went nuts for the gravity-bending gameplay in last year's holiday hit Super Mario Galaxy, making it an instant, if unexpected, classic. Well, my Monger-moles have been digging for news about a possible follow-up and we're happy to report that Nintendo is working on yet another Mario game. No word yet on a title, system, release date or price point for this mysterious title, but when you do see it on store shelves, try to act surprised.

Speaking of Nintendo, our team of diligent moles has also unearthed double-super-secret plans for yet another Zelda game from the Big N. Our insiders can also confirm that the boomerang and hookshot will feature heavily in this new adventure of Link and his pals. Remember, gamelings, you heard it here first!

While we're riding the sequel train, here's some hot dish about Capcom's recently announced retro revamp of the Mega Man series: Mega Man 9. Sources deep inside Capcom have confirmed to your rumor monger that if Mega Man 9 does well, Capcom might consider making a Mega Man 10. Seems like the folks at Capcom are fans of making money as WELL as fans of Mega Man.

All right, that's it for this editon, game-meisters. I'll catch you all on the flipside with more of the hot news that they don't want you to know about.

Editor's note: If you got this far without figuring out these stories are 100% satire, you deserve to be dipped in the fryer.