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Remember the Magic 8-Ball? What a piece of crap. More often than not I got the ASK AGAIN LATER response. Which is the equivalent of saying, "Buy a different toy next time, something that actually is fun to play with." Am I right or am I right?

Of course I'm right. I'm Uncle Crispy.

Anyway, if you've got questions, old Uncle C. has the answers. And if I don't have an answer for you, then that probably means you asked the wrong question. Because rule number one is, Uncle Crispy is always right. And rule number two is, if Uncle Crispy is wrong, see rule number one.

Dear Uncle Crispy: I am not a great gamer, but I have managed to scratch and claw my way to the final boss in Ninja Gaiden II. But this boss is too hard! I can't beat him. Every time I get his health down, he climbs away from me, and I cannot win. Can you help me? Do you have a cheat code that I can use? I really want to finish this game and try GTA IV. Thank you.
--Pablo, Binghamton, NY

Uncle Crispy Says: The Archfiend at the end of the game is definitely not for the faint of heart. But he's not impossible. Nail him with charged-up arrow shots, dodge his evil banana daiquiri barf, keep those pesky, floaty ghost things off of you with your Lunar Staff, and most importantly, don't be afraid to use Ninpo to give yourself a moment or two of invulnerability to catch your breath (Art of the Inferno works best). Use your power-ups wisely; for example, hang onto those spare Lives of the Thousand Gods, and only use them once your health is down to about an ass-hair in width. Not only does a "Lives" increase the length of your health meter, it also completely fills in any health that you might be missing at the time. Do these things, and you sir, will earn the right to watch a nonsensical final cut scene followed by the game's final credits. Congratulations. I think.


Dear Uncle Crispy: How do you feel about cheat codes?
--Ross, Framingham, MA

Uncle Crispy Says: Your old Uncle C. does not believe in cheat codes. It's like using someone else's penis to have sex. Sure, that penis might get the job done. And it might have attributes that your penis might not have -- more size, better girth, etc. But the real question is this: What exactly did YOU get out of it? I'll tell you what: Absolutely nothing.