Developer: Underground Development

Publisher: Activision

Release Date: May 27, 2008

Systems: PS3 (reviewed), Xbox 360, PC, Mac, Linux

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 I played and loved the first two Quake games, but I couldn't tell you a thing about the Quake universe "mythos," as it were. Here's hoping such knowledge is not necessary to appreciate this game.

0:01 "Enemy Territory: Quake Wars needed to perform an initial installation. This will take 8 to 9 minutes." Of course.

0:09 Now the game is "loading data." A much faster process, but still just as annoying.

0:10 We're off! A bunch of logos appear on the underside of a massive spaceship. "They search the galaxy for the sole item their existence requires. Harvesting... and consuming everything in their path ... and now they have arrived here." Roughly a bajillion more megaships appear in the sky above the Earth. There's a glowing red portal with a metallic ring shaped like the Quad-Damage item from Quake. A bit too cute for my tastes, there. Cut to title.

0:12 The options screen shows distinct control setups for on foot, ground vehicles and aircraft, each of which has about a million buttons, all with functions. There had better be a good tutorial.

0:13 A "Character Class video" shows a thumbnail size abilities round-up for soldiers, engineers, medics, field ops, and covert ops units. It all flies by too quick for me to acknowledge or remember anything long term. Again, I hope there's a good tutorial.

0:14 The alien units look quite a bit more impressive in this video. Earth might be in trouble here.

0:16 When I choose "Play Single Player" I get a menu asking me to set the game type, map, time, difficulty, number of players, etc. Nowhere is a "tutorial" option apparent. I might be in trouble here.

0:17 I try a four-character, Easy North American campaign, because hey, why the hell not? The rest of this minute is spent loading the Valley map.

0:19 I'm parachuting into a "warm-up" area. Everything is in a nice, shiny, first-person perspective. "Engineers, construct the bridge," says a voice in my ear. Does that mean me? I see a wrench on the radar/HUD, so I guess that's where I'm supposed to go.

0:20 I find the bridge and take out a generic-looking alien firing on me. A pulsating red energy beam is wandering down the road nearby. It ignores me, thankfully.

0:22 The red energy thing distracts me just enough to let me die from some enemy fire. I can sit and wait for a medic (not likely to come anytime soon, seeing as I only have one teammate) or choose to respawn the next time the periodic, 14-second reinforcement clock counts down. Just like in real life!

0:23 While I was laying dying, my teammate apparently started building the bridge. At least I didn't die in vain. Can they name the bridge after me?

0:24 I go back to the bridge and take out two more enemies, but my teammate is now nowhere to be found. Guess they got him.

0:25 Good lord. The bridge builder comes back and watches helplessly as a grenade falls next to him. Instead of running away, he SHOOTS AT IT and explodes. I'm so stunned that I get hit by that red, hovering energy thing on the road. GUH!

0:28 As far as I can tell, I just died because the bridge that's being built appeared on the exact spot on the riverbank where I was standing. For serious.

0:29 "Well done, engineers. The bridge is complete." Finally! "Now stand by for an MCP." I'll pretend I know what that means.

0:30 Apparently the MCP is a big-ass tank. It barrels on by me as I desperately try to catch up and defend it. Suddenly, both the MCP and I are stopped in our tracks by an enemy hovertank known as a desecrator.

0:31 This time I respawn on the bridge and manage to take out the desecrator on foot. When I reach the MCP, I find it's disabled and on fire. Um, what now?

0:33 "MCP disabled: Repair our MCP!" Thanks, guy in my ear! Now HOW EXACTLY DO I DO THAT?

0:34 Slashing the MCP with my knife fails to repair it. I'm running out of ideas.

0:35 Ah ha! Playing around in the menu, I find I can become an engineer. Of course, doing this kills my current character. R.I.P., soldier.

0:36 The desecrator is back, busy firing at nothing as I wallop it from the back.

0:37 Now that I'm an engineer, I can repair the MCP with a pair of pliers? Seriously, the game shows me twisting a pair of pliers on the hull of the tank, which fixes it somehow! Hooray for simplified animations!

0:39 So by now I've maneuvered the MCP to the "outpost" we're supposed to go to (after mastering the wonky vehicle controls), but I can't seem to get it in the garage. There are two indestructible crates in the way. GAH!

0:43 After dying multiple times and making the run from the bridge to the outpost over and over again, my computer ally manages to get the MCP into the garage somehow. Thank god.

0:44 "We fired an SSM" This is some sort of missile, apparently, as I can see it flying through the air. Then, poof. "Their shield generator stopped our SSM." Um, you couldn't predict this before you fired the missile?

0:46 MY computer ally hacks the shield generator as I use a tank to provide cover from a hulking, Gundam-style metallic beast. I actually feel like I'm getting into this, now!

0:48 The SSM blew open a "contaminator" warehouse, which we now have to infiltrate. I kill one enemy that's just sitting there, unawares. I set the difficulty to "easy" not "braindead."

0:49 Raid No. 2 of the Contaminator warehouse, the computer enemy kills me, then continues to desecrate my corpse. "Eat that, human," he snarls. Wow. It's just like playing with jerks online!

0:51 I can't help but imagine what this would be like with 32 humans fighting it out, instead of me and three computer-controlled opponents.

0:53 The two enemy characters seem to continually get the jump on me as I get close to the contaminator itself. I can't even see where they're coming from.

0:55 Whoops. They weren't getting the jump on me, I was just running into their proximity mines. Now that I'm savvy to that, of course, they're both actually there, firing on me. Sigh. What's one more respawn, really?

0:58 Only two minutes left. I've now made it to the contaminator itself a few times, but I can't figure out how to destroy it. Grenades do nothing, and the field ops specialist is useless.

0:59 Time runs out. "So maybe you like the contamination? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" There's no need to be mean about it. *sniff*

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes.


Why? Despite some annoyances, I find myself enjoying the general concept, and I feel like I'm picking it up at a rapid clip. I think this could a lot of fun with some real people.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.

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