Developer: Venom Games

Publisher: 2K Sports

Release Date: June 10, 2008

Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), Nintendo DS, Wii

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 My experience with boxing games begins and ends with the Punch-Out!! series, and I've been OK with that -- until today!

0:01 "Endurance!, Excitement! If I can do it, you can do it! They say in America anybody can do it!" Don King's voice is mixed in with a generic rap about the thrill of boxing over a red-and-black title screen. The effect is unique, to say the least.

0:02 The difficulty levels are Amateur, Contender and Champion. I could have been a Contender -- and I am. The Don King rap continues. I swear I just heard a line about a blueberry muffin.

0:04 I guess I'll start with the "Training." Boston's "Long Time" plays over the loading screen for some reason.

0:06 The jump rope training is just a glorified rhythm game with no music. I have to press the buttons that scroll under my jumper's feet. It gets tough pretty quickly, even at the Contender difficulty. "Perfect! You're training like a boxing monster," says my trainer in a voice that sounds like he's been beaten down by the world.

0:09 "Right, I want to see you mix up those punches and combos on the bag." The second training game actually lets me throw punches at a heavy bag with a moving white chalk target. I'm getting a feel for moving around and putting punches together. "I love seein' you combinate," says the trainer. Heh.

0:11 The focus mitts session is much less interesting, just hit the button that appears on screen as quickly as possible. The trainer says, "That's it, kid," roughly a million times through this training game.

0:13 "Jump on the speed bag and show me some hand speed." That's what she said! This one's another glorified rhythm game, with buttons falling from the edges of the screen into the center, where I have to press them. It reminds me a bit of Gitaroo Man, which is not a bad thing. "Look at that bag move!" the trainer says in a voice that suggests he's never seen a bag move before in his entire life.

0:15 Shuttle run is the final training game. Just tap A and B rapidly, then hit a shoulder button to turn at the white line. Reminds me of those old-school track and field games -- which is not a good thing.

0:18 Starting a new career. A TV show called "Boxing Legends" is presented in a cut scene: "A hard luck story that ultimately ends with redemption and glory." Don King talks about the "extreme spectaculosity of two titans in the ring with one throne." Cut from video to a 3-D render of a firework-filled Parthenon-style boxing arena at the Emperor Resort. The challenger won't come out first, because he says he already owns the title, so the champion agrees to come out first to avoid further delay. OMG, drama!

0:20 Cut back to videos of some old pro fighters, trainers and such, talking about "the kid" (I guess that's me?) in vague terms. "When you think of how he started, it's like a movie or something," says a girl sitting at a recording booth for some reason.

0:22 Time to create a character. Enter "Fighty McFighterson," a Heavyweight with a Peek-a-Boo style from Baltimore, MD. I choose "Superjam" by Flo Dynamics as his walk-in music, mainly because it's ridiculously low-key.

0:25 Instead of tweaking my character to the Nth degree, I just cycle through a bunch of random appearances. I finally settle on a big black guy with short-cropped blonde hair and a HUGE nose. I get five Gamerscore Points just for making him. SCORE!

0:26 Another cut scene with more people on video reminiscing about my rise to fame. I was working at a factory in Atlantic City, working out at the Y when Randall discovered me. "Randall had his shot, blew it. The world is full of Randalls." The writing and presentation here are pretty sharp.

0:27 The cut scene seems to be setting up a guy named Jesse Silva as my nemesis. Anyway, Randall got me time with some promoter in a training gym, which seems to be my first actual gameplay. "We're gonna get things started with some drills." Looks like I could have skipped the "Training."

0:29 I can saunter around the ring with the left stick, but a double-tap gives me a little dash. The face buttons throw punches, left and right, jab, straight and hook. It all feels a little sluggish, but it does look pretty.

0:31 More basic controls: blocking, dodging, body blows, and a super-powered "adrenaline" meter that I bet I'll never be able to pull off in a real fight.

0:32 My first match is against Chuck Pender. "Heard of him? No, you haven't. Don't worry, it's gonna be real low-key." There are maybe a dozen spectators at some no-name ring. My corner man tells me to put together some combos: "He won't like that." He won't like being punched repeatedly? You don't say!

0:34 I have no idea what I'm doing out there -- I'm just throwing punches and dancing around randomly. Penders punches seem to land with a lot more force than mine. "That one was too close to call, just stick to the game plan kid," my corner man tells me. At least he didn't tell me to join the Nintendo Fun Club today! (/nerd joke)

0:36 I lost the second round, according to my corner man. Those sluggish controls from the training are getting really annoying now that the guy is punching back. I'm always caught in an animation when I want to change up to something else. Pender seems to have no trouble punching me even while I'm punching him in the face. The guy's a machine!

0:38 I lose on points, 90 to 83. That was one of the least exciting boxing matches I've ever witnessed. And I'm not just saying that because I lost -- there's just no impact to most of the punches, just a lot of grunts and dull thuds.

0:41 Pender keeps taking these huge swings that are practically unstoppable. He leaves himself totally open during the slow swings, but my fist just goes through his face. GAH!

0:43 I just never let up with the punching in Round Two, which seems to do a little better. "Keep loose and keep moving, kid." Thanks for the generic advice, corner man!

0:45 I'm doing all right early on in the third round, until Pender somehow gets off his adrenaline boost and absolutely wallops me. This time I lose 90 to 84. Getting better!

0:47 Rematch No. 2. I can see the big punches coming, but I just can't seem to do anything about them. My block doesn't go up quickly enough, and dodging doesn't seem fast enough, either. Sigh.

0:50 After a depressingly familiar second round, I really do well in the third round, pounding him down repeatedly while he just keeps his guard up athletically. I STILL lose the round 30 to 28, according to the judges! To add insult to injury, the game gives me a three-Gamerscore-point reward for being a "Loser!" Grrrr.

0:52 Rematch No. 3. I try to be smart this time, using my positioning and backing off when my punches aren't landing. We end with roughly the same amount of stamina at the end of the round. "There's nothing between you guys now... you gotta out-think him!" I'm trying!

0:54 I am so freaking tired of seeing my punches go harmlessly through Pender while his land devastatingly on me. This happens ALL THE TIME.

0:56 I absolutely dominate Round Three, consistently walloping Pender and backing off to regain strength when he starts to punch me back. The judges rank this a draw! In fact, all three rounds are judged as 29-29 draws. That's it. I give up.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? I could be playing Super Punch-Out!!, a game with more responsive controls and infinitely more character.

This column is based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.

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