Games for Lunch: Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Wrath

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0:30 Mr. Half-a-Face has been relegated to a video in the corner of the basic battle view. "Rio is rife with the angry, with the disenfranchised... Soon the flames of insurrection shall flicker... and rise."

0:32 Looks like I'm controlling the Nod for this first mission. All the buildings look different from the ones in Boot Camp, so I'm immediately lost. Great.

0:36 I manage to find and take out a building that looks like the one I was sent after in the briefing, but the mission continues, so I guess it wasn't the right one. More searching, then. The mini-map is kind of hard to read, in practice.

0:39 The game keeps telling me "silos needed," but I can't seem to figure out how to build them. They don't seem to be an option in any of my build menus, and the Tutorial definitely didn't cover them. Grumble.

0:41 I keep getting told that one of my harvesters is under attack, but when I move the camera over, they all look just fine. Where's the "jump to attack" option?

0:44 If I hear the words "Fighters arm up," "We've got the rockets," or "We fight for Nod" one more time, I may shoot myself.

0:47 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL ME WHERE MY HARVESTER IS UNDER ATTACK OR SHUT UP!

0:48 A single tank stumbles upon my base and gets taken out quickly. Was this the guy causing trouble for my harvesters? If so, why couldn't I see it before?

0:50 After a lot of wandering around, my massive force finally comes upon the final enemy base, which is quite well guarded. I send everyone in to attack, but my vehicles outrun my infantry and get taken out real quick. Whoops!

0:53 A show of overwhelming force gets by the defense cannons and takes out the final base. Some new guy comes on the corner video screen. "Who dares challenge our supremacy? The Brotherhood is dead, rotting with the heretic Kane. We are the true heirs of Nod as it is written. Repent! Withdraw! Or join your fool prophet in Oblivion." Mr. Half-a-Face comes back to respond: "And so, as Rio burns, they crawl from the woodwork, the splintered factions, the heretics, the unbelievers. Divided, weak, we shall bring them unity..."

0:55 A computer voice gives my new objective: "This splinter faction dares oppose Kane. Eliminate them." This sounds so out of character for a computer, I can't help but chuckle.

0:58 My base coming under heavy attack from all sides now. I'm marshalling my forces as best I can, but it still takes me a few seconds to remember how to perform specific commands with the controller. Hopefully this would get better as I go, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's just me.

0:59 The game keeps blaring the warning: "Tiberium exposure detected." I have no idea what this means, but it sure sounds bad.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.

Why? It seems well-constructed enough, but I'm just not equipped properly for real-time strategy games. Sorry, EA. It's not you., it's me!

This column was based on a retail copy of the game provided by the publisher.