Games for Lunch: Iron Man

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0:34 OK, ground combat in the new suit is kind of fun. The new missiles and longer-range guns replace the crappy missiles and flamethrowers. The suit picks out and highlights enemies that are hard to see against the dark city background. The helicopters explode real nice, too. A few problems: The camera needs a lot of attention and the radar is hard to use. Also, none of the enemies seem to really hurt me very much.

0:39 Now that the ground troops are gone, some aerial transports fly in to replenish the supply. Fighting them isn't nearly as fun: It's extremely hard to fly and take them out at the same time. Not to mention it's very hard to pinpoint them on the radar. Also, I can't seem to fire my missiles while flying. Why the hell not?

0:41 Since I utterly failed to stop the flying transports, I have to pick off roughly a bazillion ineffective ground troops. It's still fun, but somehow not satisfying. There's no risk, no danger.

0:43 "Stark gunship launch detected near Hangar 3," says my computerized butler (really!). "That's my baby, and she doesn't mess around," says Downey, Jr. Cue Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy." Not really, but that would be cool.

0:46 So apparently I can fire missiles from the air, but only when hovering, not actively flying. This is inconvenient, because the gunship keeps flying away from me, launching missiles and drones, and generally being annoying. Plus, there are still ground troops pinging me. I have to keep track of roughly a million things at once, when I can manage maybe one.

0:49 To make matters worse, I don't think I'm doing any damage to this gunship with my shots. Even my Dragon Ball Z laser doesn't seem to dent it. Hmm.

0:50 OK, it seems I was doing some damage, but it has super-regenerating powers that keep it near full health.

0:52 Eventually the game takes pity on me and makes the gunship hover in place, lobbing ineffective missiles (which I lob back). Even then, it takes a looooong time to wear down its health. Blarg.

0:53 "Civilian casualties reported," says my butler. "Damn... all this for weapons." Uh, yeah Tony, that's what weapons do. Were you really that naive until, like, five seconds ago?

0:54 Stark orders Obie (Obie! That's his name!) to destroy our weapons inventory so no one will try to steal it again. Wow, the character models look truly awful in this cut scene. Tony winks at Pepper near the end, and it makes my eyes want to retract back into my skull so they never have to see anything so hideous again.