Developer: Square Enix

Publisher: Square Enix

Release Date: March 25, 2008

System: PSP

ESRB Rating: T

Official Web site

0:00 I'd call myself a fan of Final Fantasy VII, though I'm decidedly not a fanboy. There's an important difference, mainly having to do with cosplay.

0:01 Pan over a beautiful dystopian city as the credits roll. A chopper flies in and someone's running down a corridor. A guy talking in an office. AERIS! OMG! Sephiroth, explosions, an apple, a gun, a swordfight, a horse with armor. More swordfighting, more running, a box labeled "sealed," Aeris kneeling in prayer and... title! Whew! I'm already out of breath.

0:02 Call me a sucker, but the little "bloop" sound effect when moving through the initial menu selector takes me right back to the original FFVII.

0:03 The camera does a long zoom out from a sign for the Shin-Ra Electric Power Company to a bulging tower rising over a dirty, industrial city. "Wutai troops have hijacked the Shinra Express," says a voice over a radio. A helicopter full of SOLDIER, er, soldiers, hovers over the train. "Eliminate them and take control of the train." "Oh yeah!" says Zack, our immaculately coiffed protagonist.

0:05 Zack runs towards the attackers on the roof of the train, blocking bullets with his sword and jumping over an RPG missile in super slow-mo. Just another day at the office. "SOLDIER 2nd class Zack is ON THE JOB!" he says to no one in particular.

0:06 Zack jumps off as the train pulls into the station. Pan down to ground level as Zack gets a cell phone call. "Making progress, Zack?" asks Angeal, who is Zack's leader, I guess? He goes on to tell Zack that the Wutai troops on the train were actually Shinra troops in disguise. Is this supposed to be important to people who haven't played FFVII? Heck, I've played FFVII and I barely understand why that's important.

0:08 I'm in control, and running directly into my first battle. "Activating combat mode." Compared to most action games, there's a pretty unforgivable delay between putting in an attack command and actually seeing the sword slash come down. Compared to most RPGs, though, this is much more interesting and fast-paced than the usual turn-based battles, so it depends on your perspective, I guess. "Conflict resolved."

0:10 Citizens are running down the stair that Zack is currently running up in a cut scene. Not a good sign. Now we know why -- it's a big blue lion thing with red hair and a spiked tail. I HATE those things!

0:12 My attack strategy involves staying far away from the lion's swinging tail and throwing magic attacks from across the room. The lion keeps pouncing to keep up with me, but I scamper away without taking too much damage. Positioning seems to have an effect on damage. This is a million times more interesting than the battles in the original game.

0:13 "Modulating Phase" says the game as a slot machine pops up with Zack's face. A "Power Surge" gets activated and Zack does a ridiculous slashing combo automatically. What just happened, and how can I make it happen again?

0:14 "Conflict Resolved." Wasn't so tough for a first boss, but makes me look forward to more complex battles later. The controls and interface come together beautifully.

0:15 "Showing your back to the enemy? Overconfidence will destroy you," says someone with a sword at my back. It's Sephiroth! "Damnit! You're not the only hero," Zack replies haughtily. "It's over." Sephiroth answers back, cryptically. Sephi disarms Zack, who lays helpless on the ground. Angeal drops his phone and breaks into a run, saving Zack from the killing blow at the last moment. "Thanks, Angeal," Zack says meekly.

0:17 Angeal and Sephi stare at each other before Angeal taps some buttons on his cell phone and MAKES THE SURROUNDING ENTIRE ENVIRONMENT DISSOLVE in a cloud of green and black squares. "Training's over," he says. Zack's mad that he can't keep going. "I was just getting warmed up," he sighs. "Embrace your dream," says Angeal. "If you want to be a hero you have to have dreams... and honor." It's all so lovably cryptic and Japanese. I'm already hooked!

0:18 Most of this minute spent loading, saving and loading, in that order.

0:19 Zack's doing exercises in an office hallway. "All this training and no assignments? It's like they're hanging me out to dry." There's been a mass desertion of troops, another SOLDIER tells him. One of the Firsts left, taking a bunch of Seconds and Thirds with him, that's why they stopped the training.

0:20 Zack's sent to get a new assignment. Lazard, SOLDIER's director, shakes his hand. A First named Genesis went missing a month ago. Zack's being sent to Wutai to find him. "This war has gone on long enough." If he does well, Zack may get promoted to First. His excitement shows in the animation and voice acting, both of which match the English writing surprisingly well.

0:23 Back in control. A random guard sends me an e-mail "tutorial" about combat. How 21st century! I open up my phone and see 14 (!) separate tutorials on everything from shopping to materia. Ugh. I'll read them later.

0:24 I lost all the materia I used in training because SOLDIERs have to "earn" their materia. This seems like a silly regulation when sending troops into a war zone. Shouldn't they be as magically equipped as possible?

0:25 More bureaucratic nonsense as I register my personal info on a "mission board." All the excitement of the DMV here.

0:27 Odd -- the only mission I have is the simulated training at the Shinra power plant. Didn't I just do that?

0:28 Oh, this is a different simulated training mission, with a series of 10 or so grunts pretty much standing around. I try to position myself so each sword-slash hits two or three guys at once. Manages to keep me minimally engaged.

0:29 "Dah-dah-dah-dahhhhh, dah, dah, dah, dah-dah!" That familiar "battle win" music is, like, 50 percent of why I like FFVII in the first place.

0:33 So the SOLDIER director is going to accompany me and Angeal on our mission. "By the way, what is your dream?" he asks Zack. "To become a hero!" is the answer. Kudos to the voice actor for actually pulling this line off convincingly. "Unattainable dreams are the best kind," says Mr. Director. "Uh, thanks?" Heh.

0:34 On a path in a forest. "Fort Tamblin is straight ahead!" Zack takes out three Wutai grunts that come in from above. Why Angeal doesn't help, I have no clue.

0:35 "Zack, do you know about dumbapples"?" asks Angeal. What did you just call me? Oh, wait, he was serious? Then he walks off without explaining further. What?

0:38 I know random battles are par for the course in these games, but it's really disconcerting to be walking along a deserted road and see three enemies just spring up from the ground, ready for combat. Still, I like that there's no break for loading debriefing. You get in and out really quickly (that's what she said!).

0:40 "So Angeal, what's the deal with dumbapples"?" Zack picks the conversation back up. Apparently they're the fruit of the Banora White tree, which bears fruit once a year. Angeal stole them when he was poor, but he didn't steal from one tree because the owner was his friend's father. "Honor can be quite a burden at times." "And what exactly does this have to do with me?" Zack understandably asks. "No story is not worth hearing," Angeal replies. Are you sure about that? I'm pretty sure that story was a waste of time, personally.

0:42 Just outside the fort, Angeal and Zack discuss strategy. An explosion is going to create a diversion for Zack to run in and kill things. "Indulge yourself," says Angeal. "That's what I do best," says Zack with all the giddiness of a kid on Christmas morning! The emotions really come through in these excellent cut scenes.

0:43 Still waiting for the explosion, Angeal explains why he doesn't use his sword much. "Use brings about wear, tear and rust, and that's a real waste... I can be... pretty cheap." "Yeah, no kidding." Well, that answers the not-helping question. Then the explosion goes off and we're jumping into battle.

0:45 A big battle with a few dozens soldiers outside the fort's gate. I notice that most of the soldiers just run around and don't do much. The biggest threats are the guards up above that can fire at me with guns. I can take them out with long-distance magic attacks. Wait, I thought they took my materia back at 0:24. What gives?

0:47 Inside the gate, more grunts go down quickly. Angeal calls Zack to warn him about a big monster that might be hiding in the fort. "If I take it out, do you think I'll make First?" That's one driven SOLDIER.

0:49 I'm in ur fortrizz, killin ur dudz.

0:50 New enemy alert: A blue lion thing with a purple drape over its torso. Goes down in three shots, like any other grunt. Yawn.

0:51 OK, these battles are decidedly less interesting when they happen once every five seconds. I literally can't get 10 steps without a new set of three grunts getting in the way. At least mix it up a little!

0:54 I come to a hallway with soldiers firing from afar. Hiding behind the corner, the game asks if I want to charge or find a different route. I decide to charge, and two of the gun-toting guys run away. Can't say I blame them. Judging by earlier battles, I'd be able to take them out with just two taps of the X button.

0:57 "One, avoid unnecessary training. Two, protect Wutai at all costs! Three ugly Shinra SOLDIER dudes... must be PUNISHED!" So says Yuffie, Wutai's greatest warrior! The fan service is so thick you can cut it with the Buster Sword.

0:58 "Whap! Pow! Bam! Take that bad guy," says the tiny Yuffie as she punches Zack in a cut scene. He plays along: "Argggh! Nooo! You got me!" "Once again I've brought peace to Wutai!" says the triumphant Yuffie as she runs off. All together now: Awwwwwww!

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes.


Why? Great controls, decently engaging combat and a surprisingly well-written story bring out the Final Fantasy fanboy within.

This column was based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.

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