Developer: Midway

Publisher: Midway

Release Date: April 21, 2008

Systems: PS3 (reviewed), Xbox 360

ESRB Rating:E

Official Web site

0:00 I know next to nothing about this game, but I loved NBA Jam and NFL Blitz, so if it's anything like them, I should love it.



0:01 You know what I hate? Games that have loading screens that just load animated logos. This game included.

0:02 Some guys in suits are walking through a lobby. Helicopters are flying in from the other side. A guy in a Hawks jersey puts in the key for the penthouse and goes up the elevator. On the other side, another player gets out of the helicopter. Some screaming fans are in the penthouse, for some reason. The players point at each other and play a pickup game IN THE SUITE! Now that's a good way to lose your deposit.

0:03 The game gets bonus points already for being a PlayStation 3 title that needs no installation or downloadable update. It loses those points, though, for the extremely generic, SNES-era MIDI music in the background.

0:05 I can't go into the Story Mode until I create a Custom Baller. This smacks of laziness to me. The designers couldn't just make a few default players for me to jump in with?

0:06 I name my guy Basket Baller (B. Baller, for short). He was born in 1908, but doesn't look a day over 98. Seriously, why do they let me choose a birthday if the guy's gonna look 23 no matter what?

0:08 The only difference between the 15 "face" options is the level of melanin in their skin. Seriously. Why not call it the "color" option or something else more accurate? I can choose from seven types of beard though, so hey, the game has that going for it!

0:10 I can edit everything on Mr. Baller from the nose length to the chin height, but the changes are barely noticeable on the extremely generic character model. Am I even doing anything here?

0:11 Wow, the "overweight" character model has a pot belly, back fat and ripped, muscular biceps and neck muscles. It looks absolutely ridiculous -- which is why I end up choosing it.

0:12 I have 480 "stat points" to put into 16 different b-ball skills. I take away all my skill at free-throw shooting and put it into power, speed and three-point shooting. Wait, this game has free throws? That means it has fouls. What kind of an NBA Jam clone is this?

0:13 "Oooh man, here it comes. He said no. Haha! Does he have it? Yes!" These quotes play over some generic b-ball highlights. The camera pans over a live-action TV set. "Hello, and welcome to another exciting season of NBA Ballers Chosen One. I'm Chuck D." He sounds like he's reading from a script. Probably because he is. Chuck lays out the premise for the game: top rookies taking part in the quest for the "Chosen One" trophy between NBA seasons.

0:14 More backstory! In lengthy text form! I'm taking part in a TV show that highlights basketball skills outside the regular 5-on-5. "You're a street ball phenom, a wild card, a man with no name; at least not yet, anyway." I have a name, it's Basket Baller. I set it up back at 0:06, remember?

0:16 "Without further delay let's jump right into the action with an episode we call Smooth," says Chuck. It takes place in Chicago's lakefront. Chapter 1 is called Fun Da'Mentals. Groan. The cheesy MIDI music is growing on me.

0:17 During the loading screen, I get this near-incomprehensible tip: "Remember: A Level 3 shut-'em-down dunk can be countered, but only by a Level 2 super-block." Wha?

0:19 We're playing half-court ball, one-on-one. First to 11 points wins. The animation is pretty clunky and the camera angle is absolutely AWFUL. It's way too low and I can't see the hoop most of the time. Bleh.

0:20 I forget to take the ball back after a rebound and end up scoring for my opponent. Whoops.

0:21 My opponent does some sort of ridiculous combo off my head or something. Some buttons appear on screen. I guess I can counter by hitting these, but I'm not fast enough. He gets four points for the simple shot that comes after this ridiculous combo. I'm still figuring out the controls here. Give me a break!

0:22 During the replays after the baskets, my player flickers between fat and thin. Really. It looks incredibly ridiculous.

0:23 My opponent, R. Lewis, wins the match, but only because I can't seem to buy a basket. I was like 2 for 20 in shots, and most of them were good, open shots too! The rim is super-bouncy or something.

0:26 Game number two, and I still can't get anything to fall. Even layups and dunks are bouncing out. What am I missing here?

0:27 I lose 12 to 6. Besides missing the baskets, I can't' seem to get the super-moves that the opponent does routinely. Sigh.

0:28 So on offense, square shoots the ball, but on defense it's used to steal. Shouldn't it be used to jump and block? Nope, that's triangle, the alley-oop button. This has been standard since the '90s, guys.

0:29 Clicking the left stick while on offense brings up a horizontal yellow meter with the square button in the middle. I have no idea what to do with this meter. I jam on the button to push it all the way to the right, but it doesn't seem to do anything. Weird.

0:30 I've found my scoring strategy! Just push triangle to set up a self alley-oop and BOOM! It goes in like every time! I'm up to an 8-4 lead!

0:31 After missing a bunch of three-pointers, I'm down 10-8 again. I should have stuck with the reliable alley-oops.

0:32 The game ends with a 10-10 tie, so we start over a new three-minute match. UGH!

0:33 Announcer quote of the moment: "Now with some dunk-a-licious goodness."

0:34 I just noticed that the sound effect for the shot clock countdown sounds exactly like the beeping from the TV show "24." I mean EXACTLY.

0:35 More announcer quote goodness: "My man, you're going to have to change the rules if you want to goal-tend." Yeah! Goal-tending! Now that's street!

0:36 I finally win by totally exploiting the unstoppable alley-oop. Up next is L. Hughes. On the same court. With the same rules. Wow, exciting!

0:37 At 2-2, the announcer calls out, "Now, it's anyone's game." I'd think so, since we're playing to 11.

0:38 L. Hughes wins with a five-point play after another redonkulous bounce-the-ball-off-my-head combo. How does he DO that?

0:39 If I had to sum up this game in one word, it would have to be "clunky." The running, the shooting, the blocking, it's all just so clunky!

0:40 I'm still amazed at how bad the shot percentages are. Maybe 20 percent of the general shots are going in, except for the alley-oops, which are like 99-percent perfect. Even the layups are consistently rimming out. It's ridiculous!

0:41 I win a close game 12 to 10. Every single point was an alley-oop again. Now up against Tim Duncan. Same court, same everything. Again.

0:44 Holy crap -- I made a three-pointer! One out of 20 ain't bad, right? Oh wait, IT IS! I made by shooting from a "hot spot" labeled "1" on the ground, but I have no idea what that means.

0:45 Duncan is slightly better on offense, but he still can't stop my alley oops. They're unstoppable! I win the "episode" and I get improved attributes based on what I did the most. Dunks and blocks go way up. Three-pointers, not so much.

0:46 This minute spent loading Chapter 2: "Lock Horns."

0:48 Two-on-two this time, with two, two-minute periods. TWO!

0:50 Period 1 ends with us up 10-6. "That was a funky dunk right there." Not really, it was a pretty standard dunk.

0:52 Marcus Camby and I win 18-14. I'm finding it hard to keep my eyes open.

0:53 Chapter 3: "Free for Ball" is loading.

0:54 Interesting -- this level is a three-player free for all. We all play against each other. Reminds me of high-school games of 21.

0:55 The game doesn't stop at all for baskets in this mode. The players can just pick the ball up from right under the basket and put it up again. This turns the game into a constant, confusing scrum under the basket. Bleh.

0:57 I lose in the middle of a 12-10-4. It's impossible to tell who has the ball most of the time. Grumble.

0:58 I win quickly in the rematch thanks to three unstoppable alley-oops in roughly five seconds. Sigh.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.


Why? NBA Jam is better in every way... and it's over a decade old!

This column was based on a retail copy of the game rented from GameFly.

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