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Developer: Kojima Productions
Publisher: Konami
Release Date:June 12, 2008
System: PS3
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site
0:00 I loved the first
Metal Gear Solid, struggled to understand the second, and stopped a few hours into the third. That trend is not encouraging.
0:00.5 Just to be clear, I fully expect to be watching cut scenes for the entirety of this first hour.
0:01 The game at least has the decency to tell me that the mandatory installation will take roughly eight minutes. A highly realistic Snake smokes in the background. "Avoid playing when you are tired," says an on-screen warning. Because the plot will make even less sense?
0:02 More warnings: Use an ashtray, take 15 minute breaks every hour, stop playing if you feel ill. I can't tell if they're going for over-the-top funny or deadpan serious with these things.
0:04 Further warnings talk about proper handling of the game disc. Looks like "deadpan serious" wins the battle. Installation is 35-percent complete.
0:05 The enemies will use "sight, sound and smell" to detect me. Smell? Really? Does Snake need a portable shower?
0:06 You know what this install screen needs? Some music! Snake's silent smoking is disturbing. He's up to his third cigarette, and the installation is only 66-percent complete.
0:07 The warnings are repeating themselves. They couldn't come up with eight minutes' worth of stuff to tell a new player?
0:08 Snake really looks like he's enjoying that fifth cig. I know I
just recently quit, but this almost makes me want to take it up again.
0:09 "Kept you waiting, huh?" says Snake as the installation finishes. Konami, Kojima and Dolby logos fly by.
0:10 Flower petals float by over a graveyard with a single patron. Is that Ocelot? The camera is slowly panning and zooming towards whoever it is, but I can't get a clear look at the face.
0:11 Oh, well. New Game. The difficulties are: Liquid Easy, Naked Normal, Solid Normal or Big Boss Hard. Naked Normal seems a good compromise. The familiar sound of a firing gun plays when I choose the option.
0:12 Cut to "The 7th Circle," a weird futuristic-looking game show. This is real video, not in-game graphics or anything. The contestant is playing for a new RV for her and her husband Larry! "High hopes for that new RV, I'll bet, Lar," says the over-the-top host. The contestant chooses a Business of War question. "Which PMC had a humble beginning in France... but now employs a force equivalent to the populations of Canada and Mexico combined?" She guess "A" but no! The correct answer is B. "You should have tried just a little bit harder, eh, Melissa?" says the host. I'm impressed by the production values but utterly and hopelessly confused about the point.
0:14 Cut to a French ad with bikini girls writhing around a tentacle. "Life is overrated... play dead," say the subtitles. It's an ad for another paramilitary corporation. I think. More loading.
0:15 "In the not too distant future. On a tired battlefield. War has become routine," says a title card. Opening credits appear over a dusty, barren, dilapidated city. Personnel carriers roll in to some whiny sitar music. The camera shakes and zooms impressively.