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Developer: Free Radical
Publisher: Ubisoft
Release Date: May 20, 2008
System: PS3
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

0:00 All I really know about this game is that it's been delayed a lot and didn't do too great at retail.

0:01 The predictable "Installing Game Data" screen pops up. You know what that means -- it's sandwich time!

0:03 We're at 15 percent installed. At least there's some enjoyable trumpet-and-string-heavy music. It's like the opening to a war movie, except more installation-y.

0:06 50 percent! The sandwich was good, but now I need something to do with my mouth. Maybe I'll take up smoking.

0:08 85 percent. The music is less endearing now that I've heard it loop two times. Plus, I can't hear it over my coughing from the cigarette smoke.

0:09 Just when it seems like the install is done, I need to download a game update. Usually I'd be angry, but these cigs really help calm my nerves.

0:12 The 50 MB update is up to 40 percent downloaded. Meanwhile, I've gone on the nicotine patch to calm my cravings. The shakes are getting pretty bad.

0:15 66 percent downloaded. I've transferred over to the gum. Dentyne has nicotine in it, right?

0:18 99 percent downloaded. That's also the percentage of my jaw they're going to have to remove due to the smoking-related cancer. Drag.

0:19 Oh, my God, the menu screen! It's so beautiful I could cry.

0:20 The difficulty levels are explained thusly: "Easy: You've got no guts; Normal: You've got some guts; Hard: Your guts will be spilt [sic] all over the floor." Extra hard is grayed out. I wonder what it will do to my guts. I like my guts, personally, so I go with Normal.

0:21 The loading screen strokes my ego, telling me "The world needs heroes like you." A shot of a bright sun in a blue sky. "My name is Shane Carpenter. I was born into a world of war." It's 2023. A squad of soldiers in black and yellow suits are greeting me upon my transfer to their unit. A radio DJ sends a shout-out to all the soldiers out there "Heads up, my boys, it's that time again." The screen gets all blurry and I hear an injection-type sound. Did we just get drugged or something?

0:24 We've ascended to the surface of a moving aircraft carrier. I have no idea where I'm supposed to go.

0:25 One of my squad members is named Wood. Someone makes the obligatory "You got Wood," joke. Har, har. The whole carrier gets way too excited about some supply planes flying overhead. Then one of them gets hit by a missile that totally harshes our mellow. We're sent out to investigate the crash site.

0:26 Boarding the chopper, Duball is concerned about one of our guys. "Let me see those eyes, soldier. You been getting your meds?" The scrub gets parked in his bunk because he's refusing his drugs, I guess? "You don't want a liability in the field, believe me, buddy," Duvall tells me. If you say so.

0:27 "It's a good day for a medal. You feeling righteous today, boys?" asks Duvall. "Sir, yes, sir... BOOSH!" say the soldiers with a chest bump. Ugh. I'm choking on the testosterone here.