Developer: Saru Brunei

Publisher: Atlus

Release Date: Nov. 10, 2002

System: GameCube

ESRB Rating: E

0:00 The box quotes IGN as saying this is "one of the most bizarre games ever created." If that ends up being true, I don't see any reason I won't love it.

0:01 A huge roar issues forth from a monster with a GameCube for a face and box flaps for legs. He scampers to the middle of the screen and deposits what looks to be a steaming dookie in the middle of the floor. Simpler, two-flap creatures flop around the, uh, excrements on a bare white stage. Cue piano!

0:03 Primal Mighty Mite Piggy ACE is created (I always name my characters ACE, FYI). "I feel so nice, so warm. I remember in great detail a past I neither saw nor heard. Once upon a time, the world was full of Wilderness and dazzling, colorful beasts thundered across its untamed plains." Then colorless beasts devoured the Wilderness, using raw meat to give them power. One called Killer Cubivore became king of the world, "If nothing is done, the Wilderness will disappear and the world will wither and fade. I want to survive. That's the first thought I ever had. I want to survive." Heady stuff.

0:04 "Ahh... I am born. I am alive. I am Piggy ACE. I came into this world a beast. I shall eat and eat and become king of all Cubivores." Ambitious!

0:05 I'm in control of a pinkish box with a pig nose and an ambulatory flap. He looks more like a cardboard tadpole than a pig. Gentle piano music and sounds of rustling grass and birds. Peaceful.

0:06 I can shuffle around with the control stick or kind of hop forward with A. I accidentally eat some Snackgrass which "has a delicious tint to it" and gives me more energy, apparently.

0:07 "Is that a bug? Wanna eat! Wanna eat! Wanna eat! Wanna eat! Wanna eat! Wanna eat!" Now that's good writing! I press L to lock on and A to POUNCE! Yum!

0:08 So far, there's not much to do but hop along and admire the spare, blocky scenery while eating bug after bug. It's a good life.

0:10 "A Lovebit! Tastes like love to me. Collect 100 Lovebits and the females will just ADORE me." Sounds like an "adult" version of Mario's coins.

0:12 Wow, a lot just happened. I stumbled across a yellowish "tirejack" and attacked it with a mighty pounce, then threw its carcass aside and ate its "colormeat." It's like a super-cute version of the Discovery Channel. My color changes to Tirejack Pale, and I apparently got some more power. I trundle along differently now, dragging myself with a front flap rather than pushing with a rear flap.

0:15 Another enemy -- a red one this time -- changes me to "hanky pale." My flap is now on the left. There's so much character in the character movement, despite the fact that each character is made up of like seven total polygons.

0:17 A baby tiger with some "dark colormeat" stands between me and the door to "the next land." I defeat him easily and get a stripy pattern on my movement flap. Stylin'!

0:18 "Piggy ACE mutated four times." I can look through all the mutations I've gone through. Eventually I'll get up to six limbs, it seems.

0:19 "Whew! I'm plum tuckered out! What with being born and pigging out -- it was a killer schedule my first day. I'm totally oinked out. Zoinked out? Ah! Zonked out! Sorry! I haven't quite mastered the art of language yet." Anyone who can pull off that last sentence is probably lying.

0:20 Piggy ACE goes on a bit more about his vague genetic memory of the Wilderness and his desire to bring back color and eat colormeat: "It's the Vitamin D, or perhaps the protein... or maybe the savory taste...?" Whatever.

0:21 The "Bleach White Highlands" look a lot like the last area.

0:22 I come across a world "as white as snow" which I can't enter. Until I eat a Wildabug, that is -- that brings the wilderness back to the "barren land."

0:25 I find a seed of fright inside a grass box. Now I can scare other beasties with a tap of the Y button. That's great, but where are these beasties? The game is off to a pretty slow start.

0:27 Speak of the devil: I come across a two-limbed beast that's a bit harder than the earlier single-limbed enemies. He even gets in a few hits on me as we dance around each other a bit. The camera needs a lot of tweaking mid-battle, annoyingly.

0:30 Time for a boss battle with the "Cubscout beast" and a few of his cohorts. I take the cohorts out first (they can push me back with little growls), then I go after the big guy. He's not so tough. "Got Raw Paw!" "Cubscout Beast defeated" the game displays in huge letters, with a cute little trumpet fanfare in the background! "Now that I've got raw meat I can mate, I can mate!" So I just bit off this guy's sex organ? And put it on myself? Eeeeeew!

0:33 During the mid-level interlude, Piggy ACE tells me he now has an "incredible urge to find some females. And to belly-dance with them?" Is that what they're calling it these days?

0:34 On to the Frog Bog and its mating grounds. "The more mutations I undergo, the more the chicks dig me." I find the opposite is true in real life.

0:35 "Piggy ACE is king of six mutations and attracted two females." A menu comes up: "Wanna mate? Yes/No." Gotta love that direct approach! ACE and the two females go off screen. "I mated with two females." Yeah! Piggy ACE is a mack-daddy! "A child is born!" Oh, crap! Piggy ACE is a REAL daddy. Awww, but Piggy ACE the second is SO CUTE! He's a two-limbed beast who can pounce from farther away. Evolution at work! Go, Darwin!

0:37 The carcass of Piggy ACE the first sits at his son's quickly growing feet. It'd be sad and poignant if they weren't huge, pig-shaped blocks. Still, it's kind of touching.

0:39 "I have Grey" That's right, eating grey enemies turns me into a Greyodon that can dash with the B button. Or so I'm told. Actually, the B button makes me stay in place. Weird.

0:41 Now I'm a Blueocyte that can pounce from afar.

0:43 Now a Redaped with "mad hops." My favorite so far.

0:45 Now a Purpial that can "back up really fast." Day turns to night after this mutation.

0:47 I come to some yellow tigers that finally give me a run for my money. I have to dodge their attacks instead of just blindly attacking. Eating their meat makes me a Yellowbrate: "I'm not only cute, but sharp on defense." You can say that again.

0:48 The moon is out, so I go to sleep. ACE II mumbles some weird poetry about frogs in his sleep. O...K.

0:51 A three-piece beast is somewhat predictably the next boss. He has a couple of cohorts that are good at scaring me back and attacking from very far away. They get me down to about 1/4 health before I eat one of them and get rejuvenated. The big guy himself does a lot of damage, too. I have to wound him twice before I can take him out. Glad to see things picking up a bit.

0:54 I got a "raw-bone" for my troubles. Now I can block better by pressing B. Hooray for evolution!

0:57 "Forget boneless ham! I am a big-boned pig now." That's what she said! "Life as a pig is sweet. Like sweet and sour pork!" Groan. I'm looking for "The consu-mate... the perfect female." Aren't we all?

0:58 Nice guitar music in this new stage, and more mating grounds! This time I attract four females with my massive raw-bone. (Oh, yeah!) We frolic off and create Piggy ACE the third! Three limbs! He can gallop along, rather than just kind of hopping like his dad, and he can tear off two pieces of meat in one bite with his mighty fang. I'm so proud of my little piggy grandson.

Would I play this game for more than an hour? Yes!

Why? It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen, and the simple gameplay is getting more complex by the moment. I can't wait to see what mutation happens next.

This column was based on a retail copy of the game borrowed from a friend.

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