Games for Lunch: Universe at War: Earth Assault

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0:30 Tutorial mission complete! They're ready to jump down to Earth. "Our program is set. Our purpose is unyielding... we are the last line of defense in the cosmos." They think a lot of themselves, for robots. "May the odds favor our victory." Are these robots with religion?

0:31 "For thousands of years, mankind has stared at the stars in awe and wonder. After today, we'll wish we were blind." The writing isn't half bad.

0:32 Jump to a tattered American flag over a burning, garbage-strewn Washington D.C. The president is barely alive, I'm told over the radio. A human with a huge gun is walking, getting orders on his headset when the Washington Monument goes kablooie. "All right men, we've got a job to do, so let's move out!"

0:33 "All right men, keep it tight. Let's go get our planet back." I take back what I said about the writing.

0:36 Walking my men down a wrecked road, taking out stray alien guys as they come. I lose a few units on the way, but they seem expendable. The radio voice breaks in to tell me the president's losing a lot of blood. Thanks for the update, I guess.

0:37 My radio contact tells me they're not sure South America is there anymore. "Oh, man!" You can say that again. "Charlie Squad, you're with me. We've got a president to save!" Ugh.

0:39 So far, the major "strategy" seems to be timing and targeting my use of grenades to hit a few guys at once. Otherwise, my group slaughters everything it comes across automatically. Not that I'm complaining. This is a good intro to the basics.

0:41 The small walkers are making mincemeat out of my guys, but some support tanks come in just in time to bail us out.

0:42 Every time I choose a new point to which to move, my main guy says "Pick up the tempo," or "No man left behind," or "Get the boots on the ground," or some other generically annoying phrase. This game should come with earplugs.

0:43 Presidential health update: He's dropping into a coma!

0:44 Mission complete! We got to the capital, and we're told to escort the prez to Fort McNair. Suddenly, a huge meteor-looking thing utterly destroys the capital. Man, I hate it when that happens. It's one of those huge walkers from the intro. Apparently the president survived the impact, because we're still dragging him to the fort.

0:49 Somehow, in escorting the president's ambulance, I lost control of the president's ambulance. My whole unit managed to move to the fort, but not the ambulance itself -- it stayed annoyingly still. I'd blame myself, but it's more fun to blame the game. Stupid game!

0:50 Now that we're ALL at the base, I have some production structures. It's showtime!

0:51 "What's gonna happen," asks a grunt. "We keep fighting for a miracle, that's what!" says the General. When did he become Hillary Clinton? *rim shot*

0:55 The game runs into some EXTREME slowdown when I send in all my newly-made units against the big walker and his cohorts -- and I do mean EXTREME! Like I-can-count-the-frames-per-second extreme (roughly 10).

0:57 The attack-the-walker-with-all-my-guys strategy doesn't seem to have worked, but suddenly the white robot guys burst onto the scene in a cut scene. The general starts firing on them, not knowing they're the good guys. Oh, the irony!