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Get even more Grand Theft Auto IV at Liberty City Central.

Developer: Rockstar North
Publisher: Rockstar Games
Release Date: April 29, 2008
Systems: Xbox 360 (reviewed), PS3
ESRB Rating: M
Official Web site

0:00 Believe it or not, I have never owned a Grand Theft Auto game. I rented 2 and 3 and dipped my toes in the water, but this will be my first time genuinely attempting to play through one. Wish me luck.

0:01 After the obligatory logos come a series of stylish drawings of crowbars opening crates, a girl licking a lollipop seductively, some guys playing dominos, and a hooker seducing a John. The pics come right from the game box, it seems. "Starting a new game..." a small message in the corner of a black screen tells me.

0:02 A dominatrix is beating someone (the boat captain?) in a small, spare room. Nice that we get the sex stuff going early! Outside two guys are getting ready to disembark a tramp steamer to Liberty City. "You ever been?" asks one. "No," says the other. "Crazy place, Niko," says the one who isn't Niko. "Like they say, it is the land of opportunity." Niko talks up his cousin and the promise of women, cars, parties, etc.

0:03 Cut to a shot of a guy mixing a diamond into his soup, for some reason. Niko continues talking about the regrets of his past. "We all do dumb things. That's what makes us human," says his companion. That's pretty deep for a game that just showed someone getting beaten by a girl in leather and spikes.

0:04 People getting off the boat are greeted by loved ones, but Niko is left alone for a few moments, until his cousin comes by in a beat-up junker. "Welcome to America! What a night last night. Two women! The land of opportunity. I've made it!" The cousin is very drunk and just as loud. Some nearby construction workers tell him off. "Let's go to the mansion, huh?" Niko says excitedly. "Yes, the mansion! Maybe you should drive," the cousin suggests wisely.

0:06 And I'm driving. The game gives basic directions in the corner: Shoulder triggers accelerate and brake. As I drive, my cousin tells me I can't cross the bridges because of a terrorism alert. How's that for a convenient plot device?

0:08 Now the cousin is bragging about having two women at once and all the various types of women available in America. "The city is like a big Uder Milken ice cream shop. 36 flavors of titty!" Boy, how can the ladies resist a guy like this?

0:10 My new home is far from a mansion, but the cousin assures me it's only temporary. "The mansion is coming. That's the dream. Make yourself at home, what's mine is yours." That includes the huge cockroaches and the fecund bed. "So, you full of crap or what?" I ask boldly. Seems Roman (the cousin's name is Roman) has been exaggerating a bit in his letters. "All I needed was one good guy. Maybe not take over the world, but do OK," Roman rationalizes his lies.

0:14 Niko shares some bits of his past at Roman's prodding. "During the war, we did some bad things and some bad things happened to us. I was very young and very angry. Maybe that was no excuse." This touching story puts Roman to sleep. Heh.