Games for Lunch: Grand Theft Auto IV

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0:35 I wander up to a Coney Island-style carnival basketball game, but it's closed. Lame! There's a lonely car nearby, but it's locked! Hello! The game is called Grand THEFT Auto. Be bold. Break in!

0:36 No sooner do I think it then Niko actually breaks the glass and sets off a car alarm. I hit the triggers rapidly to hot wire it and off I go. A passing guy in a jogging suit doesn't even shrug his shoulders at the commotion. I know Americans are jaded to crime, but jeez.

0:37 My first pedestrian run down: an old man with a briefcase. It was unintentional, I swear. Hey, if he didn't want to get run over, he shouldn't have been walking in the middle of the sidewalk!

0:38 The radio tells me it's the afternoon, time to wake up and "realize I got my face tattooed last night, ya fucking moron." Uh, what?

0:40 I somehow find myself on the freeway with no easy exit back to the streets. No worries, though. I find my own path by barreling through some construction cones at top speed, making a perfect two-point landing five feet below. Now this is what it's all about.

0:42 Radio talking head quote of the moment: "They're only taking away freedom you don't use, anyway. What, you want the terrorists to win?" I literally laughed out loud.

0:44 Judging by the radar, there isn't much else to do but help Roman as requested, so I reluctantly double back to help the guy out. I gotta remember to see if that basketball game is open later, though.

0:45 Before I can get to Roman, some Albanian guy seems pissed that I ran by him, or something and he starts punching at me! I punch back reflexively with the B button and he's down in the middle of the street before I know it. A cop saw me, though, raising my wanted level to one star. Shit. Luckily, I step into a new mission and all is forgiven.

0:46 Roman's being threatened with a knife in a cut scene. I disarm the guy by breaking his arm clear in half. That looks like something that would be exciting to do in the game, instead of watch in a cut scene, huh? Sigh. Anyway, the knife guys run off and Roman blames all his problems on "assholes threatening me." No time for that, though. I have to go pick up Mallorie and her friend at the subway station. I can't help but feel my penchant for breaking arms is being wasted as an errand boy.

0:49 I like the way the map shows where to go, but it's hard to focus on it and the driving at once. I've hit more lampposts...

0:50 Mallorie tries to set me up with her friend Michelle during the drive back to her place. She has an odd way of doing it, though, as she also derides my sense of fashion as she's talking me up. Michelle gives me her number anyway. America. What a country!

0:52 Roman conveniently calls and sends me to a clothes shop where I can pick up some 21st-century threads. I jog on in to find that my "first clothes purchase will be free." Just like in real life! Hey, potential immigrants, come to America! Your first clothes purchase will be free!