Games for Lunch: Grand Theft Auto IV

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0:16 Roman's late to drop his cab off at the depot. He tells me to meet him at the office. I get my first achievement, "Off the Boat" for 5 Gamerscore points. That was easy!

0:17 Fast food vendors restore health? I thought this game was supposed to be über-realistic!

0:18 Niko walks with an awkward, yet believable, gait, leaning into turns and bumping things like garbage cans and people realistically. Neat. I decide to be a good citizen and not hijack a car for the three-block trip to the taxi office, but I do jaywalk. HA! Take that, coppers!

0:19 My first mission, entitled "It's your call." Roman is talking up his secretary, Mallorie, but it's not working very well. "This is the woman I'm going to marry." She seems incredulous. Boss man Vlad comes in and emasculates Roman, threatening him over debts and generally yelling. "Say what you like, but he knows how to speak to a lady," Mallorie interjects coolly.

0:22 Back in control, I push the wrong button trying to get into the car and instead climb on top of it. The fact that this is even an option is hilarious to me.

0:23 I'm driving Roman to a back-alley poker game, where he says they call him "The Janitor" because he always cleans up. "I seriously hope your cards are better than your nicknames," I say. Heh. The back-and-forth banter is the best part of the game so far -- I could listen to this well-written and well-delivered dialogue all day.

0:24 Roman runs off, but not before giving me a cell phone and a warning about Albanians he owes money. As I wait in the car and look for them, the radio goes on about the traffic problems caused by the bridge closings, and how only the bleeding-heart terrorist-lovers are mad about it. Some nice over-the-top parody here.

0:27 Roman calls and tells me he's "getting so many bullets it's like I'm a fucking AK." Do people really talk like that? I'm a native speaker and I'm not that clever.

0:28 Roman's loan sharks come around, so I phone Roman and tell him to get out. Suddenly I'm driving on the sidewalk to get away from the encroaching Albanians. The high-speed exit seems unnecessary, though. The Albanians barely put up a chase. I am finding it a bit hard to corner at high speeds, though, and the slow-turning camera doesn't really help me see around the tight corners.

0:30 Looks like the city is finally my playground, instead of just a setting for a linear set of missions. I practice diving out of a moving car as the game tells me how to do it. As Niko rolls around in pain, I resolve never to take the game's advice again.

0:32 I get a text message from Roman. "Shit! Need help! Come to the depot quick!" I call him up and he tells me the problem is with some "charming money lenders." I tell him I'll see him soon, but I'm tempted to just go do my own thing. I give in to that temptation!

0:33 It's a beautiful day for a walk on the beach. I take in the sights through a pair of those crappy binocular things that are on every boardwalk in America. The water's a muddy brown and the lenses are a bit stained, but it still beats the mother country, I bet!