Games for Lunch: Assassin's Creed

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0:00 I know I should have been playing this game during the last holiday season like a good game journalist, but Super Mario Galaxy and Rock Band took up all my holiday play time, so I'm playing a bit of catch-up.

0:01 A disclaimer screen tells me the game is "Inspired by historical events and characters" and that it was worked on by "a multicultural team of various faiths and religious beliefs." Now I'm all primed to be offended.

0:02 A falcon is sent off by a falconer. A bell rings. A crowd cries out for blood. An assassin mills through the crowd. He breaks into a trot, takes out the executioners with style, and then runs off through the crowded streets, jumping rooftops and killing his chasers on the way. Soon he blends into the crowd. If the actual gameplay is anything like this cut scene, sign me up.

0:04 The universe starts flickering between old-world Persia and a modern lab facility. "We've got a problem. I can't anchor him to the memory," says a disembodied voice. "There's too much psychological trauma, he's rejecting the treatment, retreating." Another voice tells me to relax. "Recognize that what you're seeing isn't real, just pictures from the past." This is freaky.

0:06 They finally pull me out. "I told you he'd be fine," says the doctor. The doctor gives some quick exposition: "We know who you are, what you are." But I don't... I'm just a bartender. "You're an assassin," the doc tells me, "and whether you realize it or not, you have something my employers want locked away in that head of yours." He tells me he'll kill me if I don't cooperate. Eep.

0:08 The doc explains that the "Animus" machine to which I'm strapped projects genetic memory in 3-D. "Seems you'll need a bit of a tutorial." Uh, yeah. The doctor lays out some technobabble about genetic memory and ancestors: migration, hibernation, reproduction, instinct, blah blah blah. The animus decodes the DNA memory files, apparently. I "lack the confidence to step into my ancestor's memories." I "need to be eased in." That's what she said. Really, she did. The doctor's female assistant said this stuff.

0:10 Now I'm back in my Persian garb, in a stark white purgatory with odd symbols flashing all around me. "Warning, data stream unstable," a computer voice intones ominously. I'm "subject 17." Makes me wonder what happened to the first 16.

0:13 The R trigger toggles between low profile and high profile modes. A neat idea for controlling an assassin.

0:14 Sprinting requires holding two buttons and then moving the control stick? Ugh.

0:15 The computer is matter-of-fact in discussing how to assassinate a soldier. It's a bit creepy.

0:17 I can hide in hay piles, rooftop gardens or ... groups of scholars? One of these things is not like the others.

0:18 Amazing how holding down a button and walking slowly can make soldiers ignore a guy in the big white assassin's coat. Meanwhile, the assassin's creed is explained: Never hurt an innocent person, always be discrete, never compromise the clan. Reminds me of Asimov's laws of robotics.

0:19 My wife, who's watching me play, doesn't understand why the computer/modern lab stuff is necessary: "It doesn't add value. In fact, it probably subtracts." So far, I have to agree with her.