Crispy Gamer

ESRB Wisely Tells Us Game Titled “Bulletstorm” Not Meant for Children

In what I can only assume is another ace judgment by the Entertainment Software Ratings Board, the ESRB’s website announced today an M rating for the upcoming Epic Games project, citing intense violence, sexual themes, and the use of alcohol as justifications for the mature rating. Hilariously, the ESRB further embellished on their rating, stating:

"This is a first-person shooter in which players assume the role of a space pirate who must escape a planet populated by mutant cannibals. Players use futuristic machine guns, shotguns, magnum revolvers, assault rifles, and chain guns to perform over-the-top kills that dismember and decapitate foes. Injured enemies emit large sprays of blood that stain the ground and surrounding walls. Specialty kills (i.e., Skillshots) represent the most intense instances of violence: enemies can be dismembered with explosives; impaled on spikes; and drilled into walls, resulting in body parts breaking into pieces. During the course of the game, players can consume alcohol and kill enemies in order to receive an Intoxicated Skillshot; the screen turns blurry during these sequences. The dialogue contains numerous jokes and comments that reference sexual acts, venereal diseases, and having sex with one's mother (e.g., "Guess I know where the ol' gal got that limp."). The names of some Skillshots are infused with sexual innuendo (e.g., Gag Reflex, Rear Entry, Drilldo, Mile High Club); one Skillshot (i.e., Fire in the Hole) allows players to shoot at enemies' exposed buttocks. Language such as "f**k," "sh*t," "p*ssy," and "c*ck" can be heard in dialogue."

While we’ve been eagerly anticipating performing our first Drilldo in the New Year, you’ve really got to hand it to the ESRB in outlining, in full and descriptive detail, why a game titled Bulletstorm is not appropriate for a minor. Be on the lookout for Bulletstorm to release on February 22nd, where you can look forward to drunkenly shooting mutant cannibals in the face while telling them to go fuck their mothers. Thanks, ESRB, and don’t worry, we’re always laughing at you, not with you.

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