Crispy Gamer

Alien Swarm PSA: How Not to Cure Infestation


It happens to everyone, even the best of us:  You and your marine buddies are out on another bughunt and everything is going well, when suddenly a facehugger parasite jumps out of nowhere and clamps onto someone’s face.  Now the victim is going to die painfully over the next several seconds, and it’s up to his comrades to answer one critical question to save his life: How do you cure infestation?

The IAF wishes to remind its soldiers that professional healing or a specialized v45 Electric Charged Armor unit are the only ways to cure infestation.  Proven healing practices include deploying an official IAF Heal Beacon or applying an IAF Medical Gun to the parasite victim, as well as the use of a personal healing kit.  And while the IAF applauds the innovative thinking of our armed forces, we wish to discourage any attempts at “improvised healing” that soldiers often resort to.  The following tactics have been proven not to work in any way, and can often be damaging to the patient:

1) Human punching bag
-Squadmates cluster around the victim and whack him repeatedly with their fists, rifle butts, or anything that comes to hand.  Ineffective.

2) Kill it with fire
-One or more soldiers apply liberal amounts of napalm to the victim by means of an M868 Flamer Unit.  As fire is often harmful to human beings, this tactic tends to kill the patient before it harms the parasites within.  Ineffective and dangerous.

3) Fire extinguisher
-Using the same equipment as before, marines douse the victim with a liquid flame suppressant.  This tactic has no known purpose other than putting out a fire.  Ineffective.

4) Calisthenics
-The victim is encouraged to run, jump, or roll repeatedly, in hopes that the parasites will be somehow ejected by this exercise.  Ineffective and, quite frankly, stupid.

5) Chainsaw
-Squadmates systematically remove the victim’s limbs, internal organs, and musculoskeletal structure in an attempt to reach the parasite.  Ineffective and highly dangerous; whichever marines devised this strategy are ordered to report to IAF headquarters for immediate psychiatric evaluation.

Don't worry, this will only hurt a lot...


The game is pretty simple and fun. And it’s great if you have friends to share the play, though you could go on your own in single player mode. - Thaddeus Heffner

My newsletter, you say? Well, I decided to write this PSA after someone tried using #5 on me (as I was healing myself, no less). So if I see anyone attempting something even stupider than "healing" through chainsaw therapy, you can expect to hear from me again.


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