Crispy Gamer

World's Most Scatalogical Power-Up: The SNES-era Indiana Jones Turd-Whip


Been playing Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures on the SNES circa 1994 the last couple of days via the Wii's Virtual Console.

Why? Man, who knows.

It's pretty crummy, to be honest. You play through 28 levels--yes, 28 levels!--spread across the original three movies. Along the way you'll endure hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of cheap deaths. Cutscenes between levels consist of heavily pixellated images from the movies coupled with blocky text.

Some games age gracefully. This isn't one of them.

But there are a couple of inadvertently funny things in the game.

One is the Game Over screen. It features a terrible pixellated photo of Sean Connery wearing that goddamn stupid felt hat from the movie, looking less like he's mourning the loss of his son, and more like he's having his hairy carry-ons tickled with a peacock feather. The screen is accompanied by a brief, tinny audio clip of Connery's voice saying, "We've lost him."

Another funny thing: the whip power-up looks like a pile of turds. It's supposed to resemble a coiled whip. It does not even remotely
look like a coiled whip. It looks, in fact, like an impressive, just-released poop heap.

Over the course of the game, Indy rides in a mine cart, flies a biplane, careens down a mountain in raft, and, according to Wikipedia, "fights Walter Donovan's skeleton." (Though I'm hard pressed to recall exactly who Walter Donovan is.) I admit, I didn't see all of these things in the game.

In fact, I had a hell of a time just making it past the stupid rolling boulder section in Level 2.

All told, this game looks and smells like a very large pile of coiled whips.

Some games deserve to occupy space on my Wii's miniscule hard drive. This isn't one of them.

Nintendo: I want my $8 back.