NOTE: The italicized sections of this review are taken from actual play. While they are intended to give you some insight into the game, they may also contain certain spoilers. Should you wish to encounter all of the fantastic sights of the game firsthand for yourself, then you may want to avoid reading them.

Greetings, ugly meat bucket. I am Expert Kisser Captain Thaddeus Gorfboggle, Eighth in the line of illustrious Gorfboggles. I am the first Expert Kisser, however, and for that, I am proud.

We Gorfboggles seem to suffer from a hereditary disease, which strikes at around the same time in our lives, consistently. Its onset is signaled by the purchase of two missile destroyers from the nearby shipyard. Once we have done this, we know that we have only 7 months left to live. So why would we remain on our crappy, agrarian homeworld, "Tutorial?" I mean...it's crappy. You wouldn't want to live your last 7 months there, and no...

For the life of me, I can't understand the mindset of Ubisoft. They were (and perhaps still are), one of the only major competitors of the EA juggernaut, and yet they decide, for whatever reason, to actively destroy their brand name on PCs. Their "always connected to the Ubi-servers" DRM will probably go down in the annals of history right alongside New Coke as a "what were they thinking?" self-destructive period. Perhaps it's the French's historically feeble attempts at proper capitalism, but they just don't seem to understand the relationship of trust that needs to exist between consumer and producer. It takes a long time and lots of effort for a company to be so widely respected that people will buy from it without a second thought. Once that reputation is established, it takes a colossal fool to throw it away.

I never know quite how I feel when a game tells me I suck. Okay, that's not true. I feel bad. Real bad. Shamed, you could say.

I know, you're surprised that a game could have the gall to tell the player that he or she sucks. I mean, maybe you're not surprised. Maybe you know I'm actually a pretty sucky gamer. Although I doubt it, what with my status as a cipher to all known identification agencies, after the events of February 23, 2005...a dark day, especially for that poor dachshund. 

Anyways. This game told me I suck. And it did so with an annoying stone trophy of a fat man falling onto his rotund buttocks. What are you trying to say, game? That...

With the sellout new Green Day: Rock Band coming out in May, many people on the internet have revived the "the music game genre is DYING!!!" sentiment going around. It started thanks to the over-saturation of the genre from Activision, releasing no more than five Guitar Hero games in the past year (Guitar Hero 5, Band Hero, Guitar Hero: Van Halen, ...