Swag Tester Results: Be Thankful For Your Scribblenauts Rooster Caps

by John Teti | 22. November 2009 23:24 | permalink

Give thanks, my friends, as you have been blessed with the gift of Scribblenauts swag. Two of you have, at least.

Commenter Hardsix must have curried the favor of the list-randomizing gods at random.org, for the eternally wise computer belched "Hardsix" when asked to select this week's winner. Readers were asked to tell us why they wanted the goofy-looking chapeau:

I absolutely want this swag because...
why wouldn't somone want it, I mean look at it!!! LOOK AT IT I SAY!

Hmm. A rather inartful case, but the computer does not play favorites. I do, though, so for the runner-up prize—which in this case is the very same Scribblenauts hat—I choose Sasafras Jones. He covered all the bases in his reply:

Why should you let me have that cap? Well I'm glad you asked.

1) I live on the southern shore of Lake Erie, and while it doesn't get as cold here as other places, we sure do get out fair share of icy snowy lake effect death when the time is right. And boy does that hat look like the perfect thing to help me retain my body heat that would otherwise flow freely from my head.

2) I am a great fan of the Scribblenauts game and bought it on the day that it was releases at my local Gamestop. I feel that if I play this wonderful game while wearing this wonderful hat my life may be somewhat more complete.

3) I already have an extensive crazy hat collection and this would be an amazing addition to it.

4) I would promise to love and cherish you from this day forward. To sweeten the deal I would even be willing to throw in a free man hug and my first born child. I will notify you immediately upon the hypothetical conception of him/her.

No first-born child necessary; the hug will do just fine. In fact, go ahead and strike that item altogether.

If you don't hear from us soon re: mailing details, it might be because we don't have your email address! This especially pertains to people who came to us through Facebook. So email prizes at crispygamer.com to collect your loot.

Give thanks this Thursday that a new Swag Tester arrives next week.

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Swag Tester: Win a Scribblenauts Rooster Cap

by John Teti | 17. November 2009 12:42 | permalink
Rooster Cap

You have the unseasonable warmth in New York to thank for the availability of today's Swag Tester prize. We all thought that the Scribblenauts "rooster cap" would make for cozy winter headwear, but since the cold is taking its sweet time arriving here, we decided we ought to pass it along to someone in chillier climes. Plus, the last time I wore it out of the office, I was laughed at and pelted with eggs and sweetbreads. In any case, time to part with this thing.

Honest to goodness, I just realized while typing this that it's also sort of a chicken-related item, which is great because I'm sure you haven't had enough of the chicken stuff on this site. I'm sure that a bucket of KFC grilled chicken isn't the last thing you see when your close your eyes to go to sleep for the night, when you finally think you can have some relief, but then you have dreams about chickens, and they're eating you with coleslaw and a homestyle biscuit, and you say, "You can't get grilled John Teti on a value menu," and they all say "Yeah, you can!" YEAH YOU CAN, they shriek, YEAH YOU CAN!!!!!

But in truth, the hat has nothing to do with roosters. Whew. It's just the hat that Maxwell wore in the game Scribblenauts, you know, the game where you can write the names of things and then those things appear. Wotta concept! Evan Moore and I tested the hat out to see if it matched the brilliance of this incredibly groundbreaking game, which everybody is still playing and never ever got tired of, right?


If you want the cap—one of two caps, actually—leave a comment below telling us why it is absolutely essential for you to have a goofy red hat with a chinstrap. Be creative! Check the last Swag Tester post for all the rules and whatnot, and look for the winners to be posted next Monday.

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PopCap Swag Tester: The Results

by John Teti | 9. November 2009 11:52 | permalink
PopCap Prizes

The results are in: Confessor is the randomly selected winner of the PopCap booty featured in last week's Swag Tester.

Commenter girlgamer21 receives the honorable mention—a random bit of swag and, of course, the usual Crispy Gamer T-shirt—because she used the phrase "bad telly tubby" in her comment:

I saw a guy on the news dressed as the purple telly tubby with a suitcase turns out he was stealing things from people's homes on halloween night. This is no joke this really happened. Bad telly tubby.

There was also a good tale from togmkn, who took heed of my advice to make something up (or did he?):

I saw a little kid dressed up as Batman. It was a decent Batman costume, as far as little kid ones go.

Thing was, I just bought Arkham Asylum and have been having a hard time beating Bane. I just snapped! I was like, "I WILL FOLD YOU LIKE PAPER!!" and charged towards him. But the little tyke threw a batarang and jumped out of the way! I ran into the garage door, stumbled back, and the snot bubble jumped up and kicked me in the nose.

I gave him a Snickers. It was the worst Halloween ever.

Look for a new Swag Tester next week.

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Swag Tester: Win a Pantload of PopCap Swag

by John Teti | 2. November 2009 13:12 | permalink

Swag Tester is like backwards American Idol. We do the results first, and then we ask the contestants to perform. Yet it works. So first things first: Here are the results from the last Swag Tester. Randomly selected Killstring walks away with a Dark Void travel bag. And This_is_suicide gets a runner-up swag gift, grabbed haphazardly off my desk, because s/he came right out and begged for some swag. Note: That trick will only work once. (Also, This_is_suicide, see the note at the bottom of this post.)

Here's the thing about the good folks at PopCap. They make excellent games—generally well-loved in the Crispy offices, even if Jones turns his nose up at Peggle—but the above-and-beyond part is that their swag is pretty good, too. It seems they put as much creative energy into coming up with swag as they put into the actual software.

I've gathered up all my PopCap treasures, mostly PvZ stuff with a little Bejeweled thrown in. One of you will be gifted with the whole shebang, seen here as photographed in our conference room, also known as The Hall of Inconsistent Lighting.

PopCap Prizes

Clockwise from left:
- PvZ "Ask Me About Moustache Mode" T-shirt
- Bejeweled Twist kaleidoscope
- Real-life Bejeweled jewel
- PvZ Brain Ooze energy drink
- PvZ zombie and sunflower masks
- PvZ "no zombies" sticker
- PC/Mac boxed copy of PvZ
- Plants vs. Zombie Bedtime mini-comic

Here are close-ups of a couple especially choice items:

Plants vs. Zombies Moustache T-Shirt

Moustache T-shirt.

Bejeweled Jewel

Bejeweled jewel, shaped like a huge cut diamond. Much cooler in person.

I chose the zombie mask for experimentation in the Swag Tester labs. Here are the results:


If you want this hulking pile of swag, leave a comment in the thread below answering this question: What was the best game-related Halloween costume you made/wore/saw this year? And if you didn't see any game-related Halloween costumes, just make something up. This ain't The McNeil-Lehrer News Hour here.

One eligible commenter will be chosen at random to get the PopCap stuff, and another commenter who makes me laugh might get a different crazy prize from the Great Stack of Swag on my desk. I'll toss in some Crispy hats, too, because we have thousands of them in the back room. And we don't even have a back room! You see the problem, then.

Important boring note that I have to put here mostly because of the crazy Facebook Connect stuff that I don't understand: If you don't have a valid email address in your Crispy profile (a group that apparently includes everyone who registered on Crispy through Facebook), we can't contact you if you win! Please email prizes at crispygamer.com if there's any doubt. And This_is_suicide, I don't know if you're a Facebook guy or not, but in any case, we couldn't reach you, so email us. That way, we can send you free stuff.

Final boring note: We can only ship prizes within North America.

Inspiring call to action, so that we don't end on tedious logistical stuff: Let the repartee commence, readers!

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Swag Tester: Win A Dark Void Travel Set

by John Teti | 19. October 2009 12:37 | permalink

Enough of this transpacific travel and caption-contest folderol. We must return now to the serious business of Swag Tester, which in our last episode, granted commenter Confessor the coveted prize of a Modern Warfare 2 pen set and a Crispy cap.

But hey, posting the funny comments on the caption contest was fun, right? So, if you want to be humorous in the Swag Tester comments, let's do that. The winner will still be picked at random, but in the meantime we'll have some laffs.

The prize this time is a "Tesla Air" travel set to promote the game Dark Void. It's coming out in January from Capcom, and I wasn't aware of it until I got this package, so it was pretty effective swag, I guess.

This is also the most useful piece of swag I've ever received. We all were marveling in the Crispy office about the attention to detail on display. It really is quite a good little pack for the plane. Here's a picture:

Dark Void Travel Kit

Clockwise from left: Shoulder bag, blanket, TSA-approved liquid containers, inflatable neck pillow, "hanging toiletry tote bag" (according to the label).

I gave the neck pillow an honest-to-goodness test during my Japan trip, because my old inflatable pillow sprung a leak, and it worked like a champ. But honest-to-goodness tests are not the way we do things here at Swag Tester, so I conducted the REAL test by seeing if my brother's cat Zissou would find the bag an acceptable cat bed.


Yes, I'm becoming a cat person. Blame Jones. Anyway, your Tesla Air pack will be a fresh one, no neck sweat or cat hair on any of the items. And you can acquire it by answering the following question in the comments: "Is there a Dark Void in your gaming life? What is it, and how could it be filled?" Please restrict yourself to responses that do not run astray of any local or federal statutes.

A winner will be chosen at random from commenters who answer the question. (Note: We can only ship prizes within North America, alas.) Will there be a secret bonus surprise gift if I find a response especially clever? I don't know, maybe!

(By the way, if you registered through Facebook, that is super, but it also means we don't have an email address on file for you in case you win. So drop a line to prizes [at] crispygamer.com if there's any doubt that we have your email address. We won't use this address for anything except contacting you if you get a prize.)

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Post-TGS 2009: This is Why I Miss Having Arcades Around

by John Teti | 1. October 2009 13:34 | permalink
Fighter Tourney

Jones and I encountered Garnett Lee, formerly of 1UP and now of GameFly, while shopping at Mandarake in Shibuya. Garnett suggested that I visit the larger Nakano Broadway complex in the Nakano district of Tokyo. It's just west of Shinjuku, where we were staying, yet I had never been there before.

Honestly, I was pretty worn out on otaku culture by the time I made it to Nakano Broadway, so it wasn't as much of a thrill as I thought it would be. I was charmed, however, to run across a tiny arcade in the building filled with head-to-head fighting machines old and new. The vintage machines were getting all the attention that day, as they were holding a big tournament on some Neo-Geo game whose name I couldn't make out. (Anyone who can identify the game from the videos below wins a million Crispy points!)

This video gives you an idea of the setup—two competitors sit down at the machine (this guy's opponent was on the other side) and duke it out in a best-of-three match. There was a little TV atop the bank of machines to mirror the action for a surprisingly large crowd.


My favorite element of the whole production was the play-by-play guy. He could really get the crowd going, as seen in this clip. And after each match, there would be a scramble to pencil the result into the raggedy tournament bracket because it apparently needed to be updated as soon as humanly possible.


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Post-TGS 2009: How to Be an UFO-Catcher Master

by John Teti | 30. September 2009 11:05 | permalink
Rirakkuma and Super Famicom UFO Catchers

Next to video games, the most floor space in Japanese arcades is dedicated to "UFO Catchers." Callously referred to as "crane games" in the United States, these machines beguile you with fabulous prizes—or sometimes less-than-fabulous prizes—that look terribly easy to snatch up in the catchers' big metal claws.

Of course, you should not be fooled. Japanese UFO Catchers are almost never won by grasping something and dragging it over to the prize chute. Fifteen-year-old Catholic school boys have better pickup moves than the claws inside an UFO Catcher. If your strategy is to make a desperate grab, you might as well flush your 100 yen coins down the toilet. Although that seems pretty wasteful, too. And it could damage the plumbing. OK, that was just a bad idea.

Anyway, if you want to hit paydirt with the UFO Catchers, you have to head in with a plan. Preferably this one.

1. Evaluate the prizes. A good-sized arcade will usually have at least a couple dozen UFO Catchers. Take some time to survey the landscape before you jump in. You should be looking for not only what prizes but how difficult they seem to be. Heavy things in boxes are tough. Stuffed animals and plastic toys stacked on top of each other in a mishmash are easy.

You can get of how desirable different prizes are by observing the setups. If a prize is in demand, the operators will raise a little wall around the prize chute to make it harder for you to get one. They know you really want those little brown "Relax Bears," so you'll fight for them despite the obstacles.

Rirakkuma UFO Catcher

Conversely, the less coveted prizes have no retaining wall, indicating that the arcade doesn't care whether you win one or not. They're probably happy that you're taking this unwalled junk off their hands.

DNA Thing UFO Catcher

You'll find the same stock over and over in various arcades' UFO catchers, but be persistent and you will find some oddities. Here's a machine I found in Nagoya that was stocked with vintage Super Famicom (i.e., Japanese Super NES) games, right next to a machine full of cheap Super Famicom emulator knockoffs. Nice synergy.

Super Famicom UFO Catcher

Here's an UFO Catcher full of joke toilet paper featuring some of Japanese TV's most delightful comedy duos.

Toilet Paper UFO Catcher

I won a couple rolls of this stuff to give away in Crispy caption contests. I know, you can't wait, right?

2. The grabber is a useful tool, just not for grabbing. Observe the way your machine's claw goes through its motions and figure out how you can use the thing to your advantage. Typically, the two arms spread out, the mechanism descends until it encounters resistance, the arms make a feeble attempt to close, and the mechanism returns to its "home base" to release the goodie that it has, in theory, picked up.

Like I said, this thing's not going to do any heavy lifting, but there are other ways to get the job done. One strategy you should always consider is to position the claw off-center over the item you want so that only one arm gets underneath it when it descends. I call this the "sidearm" technique because I like naming things. When the claw comes back up, it will throw your precious plastic frog (or whatever) tumbling off balance, and tumbling often means an instant win. Chaos is always good in the land of the UFO Catcher.

True masters of UFO-fu will position the claw so that one of its arms—preferably the one farthest from the prize chute, just barely catches the edge of whatever you're trying to grab. If the claw comes down on the corner of a box, or on the cheek of a stuffed animal, it will tilt the item up, allowing the other arm to get underneath, thus creating creating more CHAOS. This can send the prize sliding into the chute or perhaps even land it on the claw's, in which case you've backed your way into an honest-to-goodness pickup.

Baby UFO Catchers

3. Strategize for the long term, not on a coin-by-coin basis. Not every prize can be won in a single go. If you try to get something in one shot, you'll usually accomplish nothing. Instead, maybe you need to pinpoint a few sidearms in a row in order to nudge your prize toward the hole. Work out a strategy, plop in a 500-yen coin (which usually gives you a bonus play), and pursue your holy grail over a few attempts.

And remember that you're not alone. One lesser-known fact about the UFO Catchers is that arcade staff members sometimes help you win. If you look desperate enough, or if you ask for help by pointing out the prize you want, they will often open up the machine and rearrange it so your desired item is on the brink of the prize chute.

You can't simply walk in and ask to have the machines rearranged according to your whim, though. They'll only help you out if you've been throwing some yen into the machines for a little while. So when you first arrive, put some 500-yen coins in a machine that's close to an attendant. It will pay off later in the evening because they'll know you're a high roller, so they'll be happy to help you out. (This works better if business is slow. At 7 p.m. Saturday in Akihabara, the staff isn't going to lift a finger to help your sorry UFO-Catching ass. But on a weekday afternoon in a area with less foot traffic, they'll usually lend you a hand. Unless they're jerks. Which some of them are.)

With these tips, you can know approach UFO Catchers with confidence, and with a little luck, you'll only end up paying four or five times what your crappy little prizes are actually worth! Gambatte!

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Post-TGS 2009: Yes We Can Make You Uncomfortable About Race!

by John Teti | 30. September 2009 11:03 | permalink

Jones' post about the "Mr. James" character at McDonald's touched on weird racial stuff, but Mr. James is a white dude (an incredibly white dude). What about black people? Like, say, the first African-American president of the United States?

Obama Gacha Gacha

He's a cute little vending-machine character! The letters going down the middle of his suit say "CHANGE." OK, pretty harmless, even fun, right? Next Obama thing I saw was on the subway:

Obama Blackface Ad Japanese Subway

The picture's a little blurry, so to clarify, yes, that's a Japanese Obama impersonator in blackface on the left. (I don't know who the other blackface guy is supposed to be.) This made me kinda uncomfortable. And then there was this at a branch of the famous Mandarake anime/collectibles store:

Mandarake Mascots

Yeesh. I realize that it's a vintage item and so on, but really, right outside the front door? At one of the country's most famous collectibles stores?

So in terms of race portrayals that just might raise some eyebrows stateside, "Mr. James" is the tip of Japan's iceberg.

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Post-TGS 2009: No Photo!!!

by John Teti | 29. September 2009 07:03 | permalink
Teti Jones Hooray

The exhibitors at TGS 2009 spend many thousands of dollars constructing lavish high-wattage booths with enormous TV screens in a gigantic effort to dazzle the eye. Then they hire armies of people to yell at you if you try to take a picture. "NO PHOTO!" they say with their arms/fingers crossed in a big "X."

Photo Batsu

Jones and I found this baffling, and after I got frantically shooed away from a few booths for my snapshot-snapping ways, we decided to get some footage of me getting yelled at for trying to take pictures. The idea was that I would provoke a bunch of the no-photo people to come out to yell at me, and we'd stitch together a montage of me getting in trouble, maybe set it to some krazy chiptunes. In other words, we would be jerks on tape. I used to do this for a living.

No Photos

Of course, right after we got this idea, it became impossible for me to be scolded, even at the same booths that had shooed me off earlier that day. Once the cameras started rolling, I only got "yelled at" once, by a guy at the Square Enix booth. And he could not have been nicer about it, which made me feel like crap. I wanted to give him a big hug.


Everybody else just looked at me funny without taking action. Jones' solution every goddamn time, as you hear in this clip, was to urge me to "get closer."


I took Jones' advice to the logical extreme at the Xbox booth, mere inches away from a display festooned with "NO PHOTO!" stickers. No dice. The gestapo atmosphere of the morning had given way to a weary minimum-security vibe by the afternoon.


So they killed me with kindness. I went all the way to TGS and all I got was these lousy outtakes. Tokyo Game Show "No Photo" Guys 1, Teti 0.

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Post-TGS 2009: What's in a Name? (Not Much)

by John Teti | 29. September 2009 05:46 | permalink
Teti Jones Hooray

I have to assume that these games spotted on the TGS show floor sound super-exciting in the original Japanese.

Last Ranker

Yikes, really tempting the Metacritic fates here.

Last Ranker

Multi Raid Special

Wait a minute … Generic Japanese Video Game Title Generator Bot 1.0, is this your handiwork? I thought you were retired! You old dog.

Multi Raid Special

Last Escort

Just to make sure, there's no way this game isn't about male whores, right? OK, whew. I thought it was just me.

Last Escort

Nier Gestalt

Finally, an RPG that appeals to German psychological theorists.

Nier Gestalt

Archaic Dragoon

"Hey, do you want to play this new dragoon game I got?"

"Nah."

"Did I mention the dragoons are archaic?"

"I must play that game immediately."

Archaic Dragoon

Bounty Hounds Online

I don't think the cutesy colorful game on the screen below the banner is Bounty Hounds Online, but then again, I really hope it is.

Bounty Hounds Online

Cruz Del Sur

There are already complaints online about the wildly varying difficulty in this game. The shuffleboard quest was a piece of cake but damn if people aren't spending hours trying to conquer the buffet line.

Cruz Del Sur

Unidentified Mysterious Animal

Figured I'd wrap things up with one good name. I'm genuinely looking forward to UMA.

UMA

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